re: atheist wedding (see previous posts)

June 29, 2007

Maybe if they start having kids, I could be appointed a god(less)parent!

Haha. I’d better come up with some better jokes.

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welcome to fundamentalist beach resort family-fun-time Jesus paradise

June 29, 2007

This is a picture of me in front of Lynnhaven Mall in Virginia Beach. The Oceanfront has had these “No Swearing” signs for some time. This is the first one I’ve seen away from the tourist beach strip.

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I now pronounce you civil co-spouses. Go forth and spread Enlightenment values.

June 28, 2007

As announced a few posts ago, my brother and Jen 2.0 (for new readers, my brother’s fiancee is taking my brother’s last name, and therefore my entire name, which might be funny if I became actually famous and every time she called, say, her credit card company and gave her name, someone said “Really? Tell me a joke!”) have asked me to officiate their atheist wedding.

Of course, I can’t exactly go by “Reverend Jen” now, can I?

Maybe I could snag “Secular Humanist Jen.”

I have found that this company makes inexpensive clergy stoles. I am thinking of getting one that says something sarcastic.

Infidels!!!

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Virginia Beach is like a cookie sheet for toasting Caucasians

June 28, 2007

It turns out I don’t actually like the beach.

Virginia Beach is full of very tanned white people somehow recreating at temperatures above 100, clad only in beachwear and actual exposed Caucasian skin.

I started baking to a crisp in the back of my brother’s convertible. On the actual beach, my internal organs started to rebel against being cooked inside my torso, and just before I was about to vomit them up, I convinced my brother and Jen 2.0 to abscond to a seafood restaurant.

What I actually like, apparently, is not the beach, but something more specifically related to going to Coney Island on the train, walking around, eating a hotdog, seeing some twins tap dance, watching a woman with full facial tattoos eat fire, and remarking on how cute it is when entire families of Muslims go into the water in burquas.

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women behaving badly

June 28, 2007

My mom and I went to a late-night showing at the second-run movie house of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters. The theater started the movie 45 minutes late, the tickets were $1.50 each, and in keeping with the environment, I ordered an enormous plate of nachos and a cheap Merlot.This is how my mother and I spend time together. Who needs flower shows and movies in which Meryl Streep plays both herself and her mother, while making references to dead, oppressed women writers? My mom is awesome.The Wikipedia plot synopsis, if you’re interested in this sort of thing, is quite lengthy and contains sentences such as “Meanwhile, a triangular slice of watermelon is flying about in a ship made from a hollowed-out watermelon, observing the events unfolding according to his plan - the slice is joined in the ship by Neil Peart from Rush.”Also not inappropriately, the IMDB page happens to say, “This plot synopsis is empty.”

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dear blog readers, I miss you so!

June 26, 2007

Prepare for a torrent of blogging over the next few days! Short version: I was stuck on a runway at JFK for five hours. Airline lost my luggage. Now in Virginia Beach with parents. Had to make midnight trip to Wal-Mart to buy athletic clothing for personal trainer training, which I’ve now completed. I have 12.8% bodyfat. I love driving with the windows open while listening to the local hip-hop station! My brother and his fiance have asked me to officiate their (atheist) wedding!

More soon!

xo,
Jen

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literary baby bump

June 21, 2007

My new project!

DorothyVonIrony.com

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when someone looks deep into your eyes, you hope for more profundity than this

June 20, 2007

I have been informed by an optometrist — who TURNED MY FREAKING EYELID INSIDE OUT during an exam — that my contacts get foggy all the time because the insides of my eyelids are irritated and it’s like “cleaning your windshield with dirty windshield wipers.”

Hear that, folks? My eyes are filthy.

I was thinking of pursuing a career as an international sex symbol, but instead I shall be forced to stay home with a bottle of Visine.

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The News: Week of Monday, July 18th

June 20, 2007

On Monday, I picked up a USA Today so I could riff off the day’s news at the show at Pete’s. I found this news item:

Poll: Clinton establishes sizable lead over Obama

The other fun piece of news in this article is that Giuliani has pulled ahead as the Republican front-runnner. Clinton vs. Giuliani? Really?

I have always wanted to see a national Presidential campaign based on the real issues: the 2nd Avenue subway line, manhole covers electrifying dogs, and transit delays due to skinny chicks passing out on the train.

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the Dziuras are not amused

June 16, 2007

From blogger Marc Choi, and brought to my attention by my Williamsburghian colleague Mikey McClelland:

As Marc calls them: “Racist Flakes!”
(an ad for rice cereal from a Polish newspaper)
Mikey writes: “I love that my friend caught this over the shoulder of a Polish woman on the G train who was reading it, then got off the train and bought himself a copy.”

It was especially strange to learn of this ad on this particular morning, as just a few hours ago I was making coffee and I looked out my window and saw a fifty-ish, pleasingly huggable woman in another building standing in front of a window folding clothes, and thought “How can my mom be in New York?” I squinted, and it was an Asian woman. Who looked kind of like my mom. She had the exact haircut my mom had, like, three years ago, and my mom has almost-black hair. It was weird.

I and my quasi-Asian family with the Polish last name will kick some ass over this.

Why does that little girl kinda look like me?

Related post: my celebrity matches

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