Interview on Walrus Comix

July 30, 2007

Also, come to the show tonight (see below).

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Monday: A Funny Comedy Show with Free Candy and Racially-Charged Penis Jokes

July 29, 2007

Pete’s Monday Evening Stand-Up
FREE COMEDY SHOW

Monday, July 30th
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm

Starring Michele Colyn, Little Marvin, Charles Star*, Bill Dawes**, and Summer Kriegshauser. Hosted by Jennifer Dziura of Jenisfamous.com.

*Whom I once debated for the Atheneum Society on the topic “Does the beauty industry oppress women?” He is a communist.

**Who once had a gay wedding on All My Children.

Here’s a video by Little Marvin, “Little Dicks, Big Dreams”:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1s3tX9B4ms]

Directions to Pete’s: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete’s is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

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Family Mailbag: note from my brother Brian, the one who is a firefighter and whose atheist wedding I am performing*

July 29, 2007

Mom gave us your old frame pack from your New England days. I now know what you bought at the grocery store on March 23, 1999. You ate twigs and berries like a hippy.

I also found a small tool designed for adjusting the fuel pump to a camp stove.

Then I found a small green plastic army man.

You camp weird.

-Brian

*He’s the only brother I have, but I wanted new readers to feel welcome, like they’ve been to the last dozen family Thanksgivings. We like the jellied cranberries, the ones that keep the shape of the can. See, now you’re in!

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I need an intern

July 27, 2007

Last time I tried to find an intern, all the applicants were, like, 38-year-old men.

I’d like an intern who’s actually in college. And who wants to be a comedian or comedy writer, and is someone whom others would perceive as having a fair shot at success at such pursuits. And who is all fresh-faced and Gen-Y-ish and has 20,000 Facebook friends and can make podcasts in his or her sleep. See, look at the little iPod picture — I would like an intern who dances in silhouette to music no one else can hear.

These are the things I want from an intern.

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How to Get Free PR from Jenisfamous.com (note: I am persuaded by automobiles, compliments, and the likelihood of fruit plates)

July 27, 2007

Aww … after I wrote a post for Jewcy about Flocabulary, one of the authors sent me a nice email.

Go here to read the original post.

It’s nice when you post something and two seconds later someone forwards it to the subject of the post and then that person writes to you. By you, I mean me. Because having people I like contact me is really the entire point of the Jenisfamous Maelstrom of Words Put Together in a Particular Order to Have a Particular Effect.

I should start writing posts like “Jackie Chan can jump really high” and see if, the next day, I get an email from Jackie Chan.

On a related note, Ford’s PR firm is flying me out to LA for a behind-the-scenes tour of the show On the Lot, which is a reality show (sponsored by Ford) about filmmakers. (Hmmn, I wonder if that means I get to hang with Spielberg?)

As part of the deal, I also get “complimentary use of Ford Escape during stay, with all the fun LA locations programmed in GPS.” There was also something about a “road rally.” I don’t even know what that is.

Apparently a Ford Escape is a hybrid SUV. So I get to drive something enormous without feeling bad about it!

Obviously, I’ll keep you updated via the blog. Because that, of course, is the entire point of large corporations putting me up in nice hotels and giving me backstage passes.

Update: I’ve been informed in the comments that not all Escapes are hybrids. Well … the GPS device in the car should cause me to get lost less, which certainly saves gas and reduces greenhouse emissions. Also cuts down on global swearing.

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The Jokes: Week of July 16, 2007

July 22, 2007

Here’s the news monologue from Monday’s show at Pete’s. It’s taken me longer than usual to get this posted due to my latest PCP-and-Proust binge.

Archbishop Sean O’Malley of Boston has invited the Pope to the city in 2008, saying that a visit from Pope Benedict XVI would help to heal the wounds of Boston’s clergy abuse scandals.

Because if you were raped by an authority figure in a funny hat, a visit from a bigger authority figure in a bigger, funnier hat will totally make you feel better.

***

An amusement ride at a Westchester theme park has closed for good after an employee was thrown to her death. The ride, called the “Mind Scrambler,” was never supposed to be lethal — it was merely supposed to make you permanently bad at math.

***

Forty-nine states have now made cockfighting illegal, with the fiftieth, Louisiana, voting to make cockfighting illegal by 2008.

Puerto Rico has responded by passing legislation declaring cockfighting a “cultural right.”

Apparently, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” weren’t good enough, and PETA’s veg-friendly suggestion won’t suffice: fried plantains rarely scratch one another to death under heavy provocation.

***

Lindsay Lohan has been released from rehab and will voluntarily wear an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. This will not, however, prevent her from her usual habit of ingesting vodka shooters intravaginally.

***

Following the death of a former First Lady, the Times ran the tasteful headline “Nation mourns Lady Bird.”

Our city’s tabloids were not so kind, with the Post offering JOHNSON FAMILY HAS “BIRD FLU” and the Daily News: THIS BIRD FAILED TO “CATCH THE WORM”.

***

Pro-Taliban militants in Pakistan have ended their truce with the government and killed at least 70 people in the last two days.

Marketing note for Pakistan:

“Islamabad?” Really? Maybe it’s time to think about a little name change.

I mean, if the U.S. had a city somewhere in the Midwest called “Separationofchurchandstatesucksalot” — I think we’d do a little PR.

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Jewcy: Day Five

July 20, 2007

Today is my last day blogging for Jewcy, and I feel like all three of my posts today were really good ones. L’chaim!

Flocabulary: World War II in Hip-Hop
Claudia Cogan Interview: Lay off the Menorahs
<a HREF=”http://www.jewcy.com/daily_shvitz/my_omnibus_farewell_post_girls_gone_mild_wendy_shalit_hospital_burquas_professional_ass_doubling_and_modest_fashion
“>My Omnibus Farewell Post: GIRLS GONE MILD, Wendy Shalit, Hospital Burquas, Professional Ass-Doubling, and “Modest Fashion Shows”

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Jewcy: Day Four

July 20, 2007

I am guest-blogging over at Jewcy. Don’t miss my groundbreaking coverage of twinky teen dolls, evolutionary sex preferences, and the shocking mideast feminine products shortage of 2007.