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I don’t love Wonder Woman THAT much

July 14, 2007

Oftentimes, when good things (“good” for a comedian = “on television”) come my way, I refrain from blogging about them for awhile because I don’t want to jinx them (“jinx” here means “look stupid when it doesn’t happen”, which is usually the case).

Last September, I was — apropos to the Wonder Woman Blog I co-write with Syd Bernstein — contacted by a Canadian television producer regarding “a 26 part documentary series which explores popular TV shows through the eyes of the fans.”

Then commenced an email exchange in which the producer discussed coming down to New York to film my show at Pete’s and interview me in my apartment.

“Do you have a lot of Wonder Woman stuff?” she asked. I said I probably had an action figure somewhere. Maybe a Pez dispenser (I then went on eBay and bought a Wonder Woman Pez dispenser). “Do you tell jokes about Wonder Woman in your act?” No, I explained (again). I bought some Wonder Woman underpants to sleep in, then liked them so much I wore them onstage a couple of times. People seemed to enjoy the pictures.

I got a “We’ll get back to you.” They didn’t.

I suppose I could’ve pretended to be a complete Wonder Woman freak in order to get on TV. But, well … no.

Besides, it’s Canadian TV. According to the exchange rate, that’s like 73% of having been on American TV.

(p.s. For some NSFW humor, check out The Sarcastic Sex Toy Blog).

Update: Here are the people who did make it onto the program. Whoa.

Monday’s show

July 13, 2007

While in Virginia, I purchased this incredible bounty of candy for my comedy show at Pete’s Candy Store (which has no candy unless I bring it — hence the candy).

This Monday: candy necklaces.

FREE COMEDY SHOW
Monday, July 16th
Pete’s Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
**7:30pm**

Starring Elon James White, Adrienne Iapalucci, Brett Anderson, special guest from Israel Yisrael Campbell, and lesbian Miss America contestant Scout Durwood.
Hosted by Jennifer Dziura of Jenisfamous.com.

Directions to Pete’s: Take the L train to the second stop in Brooklyn, Lorimer. Exit at the head of the train, and walk along Lorimer in the direction of the BQE. Pete’s is 1.5 blocks past the BQE, on your left. 709 Lorimer Street, between Frost and Richardson Streets. (718) 302-3770.

Hilarious

July 13, 2007

Molly Crabapple’s Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School has a podcast.

the story of how I wasted an hour dressing myself in cartoon clothing because I was trying to help a teenage girl with her period

July 11, 2007

The other day, I was looking up some grammar information, and typing my search query as a question led me to a related page on Yahoo Answers, a service in which a person can pose any question, various Yahoo members will post replies, other users can rate the replies, and the original poster can mark the question “closed” when a satisfactory answer has been received.

Currently, top questions on Yahoo Answers include:

• Is it true that the color of the tie on bread bags determines what day they were delivered to the store?
• I way 124 pounds im 12 is this normal?
• What will hapen to harry in HP AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS?
• What is the best website on the legal positivism perspective of jurisprudence?
• Will nintendo bring out another gameboy – after the micro?
• How coconut so strong?

While reading the grammar answer I so desired, I saw a link somewhere on the page to “unanswered questions,” and one of them was from a girl (I do mean “girl”) who had her period, wanted to go on a school swim trip, and was wondering if she would still be a virgin if she started using tampons.

She had received only a couple of replies: one that told her “no,” and one calling her a slut.

Normally, I do not go around the internet performing acts of puberty-related do-gooding, but I felt this was a special case. Feeling big-sisterly, I clicked to post a reply, and discovered I would need to register with Yahoo. Fine.

A few steps into the registration process, I became aware that I was actually signing up for yahoo.ph — as in, “Yahoo! Phillipines.” I gathered that this must have been because the asker of the question was a member of Yahoo! Phillipines, and somehow I had entered Yahoo’s Filipino district.

Then Yahoo offered me the opportunity to create an avatar. Aren’t I a little old for this sort of thing? I thought, but I just couldn’t help myself.

Being in Yahoo! Phillipines, the default skin color was a little dark, so I started tweaking:

I thought this one looked kind of like me.

Look, a little tutor avatar! Maybe I could somehow use this professionally.

Many of the backgrounds in Yahoo! Phillipines represent, unsurprisingly, scenes in Asia. Here’s me in front of an Asian city street.

In the foreground of some rice terraces?

How about some “Philipine Nipa Huts”?

I thought the “Indian Wedding Pavilion” was nice…

…but that maybe I should dress more appropriately.

And then an hour of my life was gone, and I never got back to the girl with the period question. I really hope the swim trip turned out okay.

cellphone mystery

July 10, 2007

I was scrolling through the list of contacts stored in my phone and realized that, sandwiched between a couple of ex-boyfriends, I have stored a number for “Shitty Copy Place.”

I have no idea why. Why would I feel the need to retain that number? Just in case they call me, that way their number will show up on my phone as “Shitty Copy Place” and I won’t be taken in by suggestions that they might copy something for me? Why, Jen of Christmas Past, why?

Egg Donors vs. Sperm Donors: Who Is Valued More and Why?

July 10, 2007

This article suggests that sperm donors are underpaid because we don’t really value fatherhood. And additionally, that egg donors are treated like precious, beatific saints because that’s what we like to think about mothers.

That sounds kind of flattering for the women, at least, until you realize the flipside — women who are mostly in it for the money are pathologized, whereas it’s expected that men would donate sperm entirely for the money.

This stigmatizaton of market-motivated egg donors is aptly analogous to issues surrounding motherhood, as women who prefer participation in a market economy to the oh-so-precious task of wiping tiny noses have also long been pathologized.

I’m off to the fertility clinic for an ovarian reserve test to see if my eggs are still any good (28 is antediluvian for an egg donor!) If they are, I have a taker!

New Yorkiness

July 7, 2007

Here are two cellphone pictures I took in midtown:

This ad has a treasure trail! Like, an eight-foot-long treasure trail. That’s just dirty! Semi-naked people in ads should be all shaved and airbrushed and plasticky. It’s not right to get the tourists all hot and bothered.

I thought my Mom would find this funny. Hi, Mom!

Street Harassment Post, Part Trois

July 6, 2007

I was very amused by Mandy Stadtmiller’s article on street harassment in the Post. (From a four-foot-tall dude: “Yo, check it out. I don’t need to be the champ, I just want a shot at da title!”)

While visiting my family in Virginia, I was harassed on the street exactly once:

I was traversing the crosswalk, wearing shorts, and I heard “Hey, gorgeous!”

I turned around and saw a guy in the passenger seat of a pickup truck — he then smiled and waved as the truck drove away. How adorable is that? It was positively … refreshing.

Here are some things that my quaintly old-fashioned street harasser did not do:

1. Suggest any specific sexual acts involving one or both of us
2. Say something untoward about any specific body part of mine (or his)
3. Suggest we might see each other in the future
4. Slow down the car and drive alongside the sidewalk at approximately 2.8 miles per hour, so we can have a “conversation”
5. Make creepy kissing noises
6. Suggest that I smile more often
7. Hiss

Previous street harassment posts here and here.

anyone have any Dutch cartoons I can publish on my blog?

July 4, 2007

I have purchased an enormous covered litterbox, with a staircase, for Cow. (The purpose of the staircase, which is textured, is to catch extra litter as the cat walks out of the litterbox, so the litter doesn’t end up on your floor).

Now, whenever Cow goes off to do her business, Mr. Intrepid Young Journalist and I refer to it as “going to the mosque.”

It has been observed that she does it about five times per day.

Now, to soften up the fatwa, here are some freakishly cute Cow photos.

trans fat fallacy

July 4, 2007

I love how totally unhealthy food now is advertised as containing “NO TRANS FATS.”

I mean, I could easily make you a trans-fat-free bowl of white sugar, with maple syrup. And butter. On a bed of cotton candy.

I’ve seen a number of delis advertising “We care about your health! We fry in trans-fat-free oils.”

FYI, “pure chicken fat” is a trans-fat-free oil. Trans fat is basically synthetic liquid plastic. It keeps the brownies in your Brownie Fudge Chunk ice cream soft at freezing temperatures, which, if you think about it, is Not Normal. Other fats are still bad for you. Just not as bad as consuming synthetic liquid plastic.

(Incidentally, I don’t mean for this post to sound self-righteous. I just ate a dark chocolate bar with whole hazelnuts. I totally ate three serving sizes. Women just … do that sometimes).

artificial tanning quandary

July 3, 2007

I seem to have developed an immunity to artificial tanning lotion.

Has anyone ever heard of this happening before?

Maybe it’s just that the tanning solution is in lotion form, and my skin simply can’t absorb any more moisture. I think I may have fully saturated my entire epidermis. I am very moist. I have mentioned before that, when I was growing up, my mother was an Avon lady; lotion was always free and plentiful in our house. It occurred to me only as an adult that people might have to pay for lotion.

Here is my normal skin tone (from the post in which I addressed allegations that I look like Pee Wee Herman in drag):

And here I am looking all golden and healthy, except that I accomplished this with synthetic lotion-chemicals:

Granted, there are some tricks of lighting happening here, but still.

As long as I don’t develop an immunity to blonde hair dye, Botox, and breast implants! That would foil all my best-laid plans.

dreaming makes you stupid

July 1, 2007

I don’t know if this happens to other people, but sometimes I wake up in the morning thinking of a brilliant idea. And then I go back to sleep for awhile, telling myself not to forget the brilliant idea. And then I wake up again, re-remind myself, go back to sleep, etc.

And eventually, I wake up for real, drink some coffee, and realize that my brilliant idea was completely developmentally disabled.

The first time I remember this happening, I was in college. I woke up reminding myself of a very important task I needed to perform: I needed to deposit spinach into my IRA.

As in, my Individual Retirement Account. At the bank. Spinach.

The sleep-logic was that:
1. It is good to save money.
2. Spinach is good for you.
3. Spinach is something you put into other things.
4. An IRA is something into which you put things.
5. Therefore, it would be good to put spinach into an IRA.

Yes.

This time, I slept in after an arduous day of travel, waking and falling back asleep several times, each time reminding myself that I must certainly start a new comedy show. Many comedy shows have themes, you know, and clever names to go with the themes — this comedy show would be, apparently, for people who like things just as they are right now.

The name of the show?

STATUS QUOMEDY!

Or maybe it was more like “Status Quo-omedy!”

Seriously, is that not the fucking stupidest thing you’ve ever heard? Being asleep is like being drunk, although with less likelihood of illegally operating a motor vehicle.

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