Angelina Jolie in The Economist

November 30, 2007

Did you hear Angelina Jolie wrote an article for The Economist? A couple of thoughts:

  • Calling for trials for war criminals is noble enough, but a little bit like coming out in favor of helping widows and orphans: designed to offend no one. A ballsier view on this issue would actually give teeth to the International War Crimes Tribunal by making Americans accountable. Meaning that those Marines who raped a teenage girl in Iraq and killed her whole family to cover it up would find themselves being tried internationally, and Henry Kissinger’s number might also come up (draft pun intended).

  • The article was pretty well-written, but not as good as Courtney Love’s five-part series on OPEC in the Journal of Foreign Affairs.

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New ‘08 Pete’s poster! Now with smaller forehead.

November 25, 2007


Comedy at Pete’s is entering its third full year. Please add every single date to your calendar and show up in your finest Sunday hats, even though all of the shows are on Mondays.

Thanks to John Leavitt for the design.

p.s. - To the nice woman who is a good laugher and who offered to distribute some of my flyers at Gimme Coffee in Williamsburg, thank you!

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Recap: Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete’s

November 24, 2007

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBVbSvvJf3A&rel=1]

Nov. 19th show, featuring Brent Sullivan, Adam Newman,
Tim Warner, Eric Andre, John F. O’Donnell, Tom Shillue,
and Jessica Delfino.

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Recap: "Where Have You Been?"

November 23, 2007

Last night I appeared in Jeff Stark’s Where Have You Been? show, a sort of slideshow and panel discussion in which three guests discuss their recent travels.

I was there to talk about my three-week tour entertaining the troops in the Middle East on an Armed Forces Entertainment comedy tour.

The show took place in the progressive, collectively-owned Bluestockings Bookstore, but luckily no one shouted anything about blood for oil (or tried to shame me into veganism).

Here are the slides that were part of my presentation, with a couple extras that didn’t quite fit into the show. Some of these will look familiar to regular blog readers:

This airport looked “foreign,” in a way, but also had not only a Starbucks, but a Claire’s (the little-girl jewelry store).

In the Kuwaiti airport.

Also in the Kuwaiti airport. Like I’d never left New York.

A typical hotel breakfast — foul mudamas, a comfort food made of mashed or heavily cooked beans, falafel, hard-boiled egg.

Why I was there.

This Starbucks is in a trailer in the middle of a tent city in a 125-degree desert.

Performing on an outdoor stage in Kuwait.

Signing autographs in the USO tent.

I have a lot of photos that look just like this, but I thought one with lady soldiers was more interesting.

Comedians trying a shooting simulation. Or, as Jeff Stark said, “Obligatory girls-with-guns photo.” Fortunately for the state  of the world, the shooting simulations actually also test ethics and procedures; if you shoot an unarmed civilian, the “game” ends, and the legend “DEFEND YOUR ACTIONS” appears across the screen, at which point you must explain yourself to an actual, flesh-and-blood superior officer.

The Wall of Death, where Saddam lined up and executed Kuwaiti sailors.

Doing a show in the hangar on the USS Enterprise. Planes continually landed on the level just above us.

Another view of the crowd.

On a helicopter traveling from the USS Enterprise to the USS Gettysburg, both a couple hundred miles into the Persian Gulf.

The view from the side of the helicopter, which flew with its door open the entire way.

I took this photo inside the helicopter. I sometimes have a really immature sense of humor.

On the base in Djibouti. Living in a shipping container is actually a great privilege; the entry-level accommodation is just a tent.

In a souvenir shop in Bahrain. In such souvenir shops, I noted a shocking quantity of Christmas kitsch: ornaments, Santa figurines, a Christmas poem written in calligraphy on a slice of a log, even a cross-stitched Christmas stocking. Apparently, the locals find these items to be exotic Westernalia. One of the log mobiles, like the one pictured, included the misquoted platitudes: “A penny saved is a penny gained” and “An ounce of discretion is worth a pound of learning.”

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I am assuming for the purposes of this post that "The Jungle" and "Atlas Shrugged" have made their ways onto your reading lists at some point

November 21, 2007

I just got some advertising mail from Omaha Steaks (I sometimes purchase their products as gifts for my father and brother), and noticed that the return address is “10909 John Galt Boulevard.”

BECAUSE, CLEARLY, MANLY LIBERTARIAN MEN EAT RED MEAT! AND TYPE IN ALL CAPS! WHILE BELIEVING THAT THE FREE MARKET SOLVES ALL PROBLEMS. EXCEPT THAT MEAT WOULD BE DISGUSTING IF UPTON SINCLAIR HADN’T PUSHED THE PROGRESSIVES TOWARDS CREATING A REGULATORY BODY TO KEEP RATS AND HUMAN FINGERS OUT OF OUR MEAT SUPPLY.

Just saying.

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home improvement tips for the ladies

November 20, 2007

Man, I’d be pissed if condescended to by a book on the topic of “home improvement for girly-girls” (I know not only how to use a hammer, I can install doorknobs).

However, I am happy to report that, yes, nail polish remover does a fine job of correcting any wall-painting mistakes, and that Lancome eye makeup remover efficiently but gently removes masking-tape adhesive from hardwood floors.

I should pitch an article to Bust.

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turned away from Britesmile

November 19, 2007

This morning, I got up early for my appointment at Britesmile, a teeth-whitening center. I made coffee, knowing it would be my last cup of coffee for 24-48 hours (almost certainly closer to 24, as I’d be surprised if I made it to the very low end of the recommended abstention period).

I arrived at Britesmile, filled out some paperwork (I had prepaid for the appointment online, to get a discount), and sat in the waiting room reading the copy of Bust I’d brought with me.

Eventually, I was taken to a little cubicle, put into a reclining dental chair, and ultimately visited by a cute Asian dentist-guy with great teeth and cool glasses. I almost commented that I’m sure they don’t hire ugly dentists at the 5th Avenue Britesmile.

The dentist and I had a long discussion about the coffee thing, during which he debunked my theory that, if I just had to have some coffee, iced coffee through a straw would be less staining than the hot, sipped variety. He reiterated the advice to stick to “white or clear foods and drinks.” He assured me that vodka would be fine.

Then he got to looking at my teeth. He had this object that looked like a ruler with a bunch of teeth attached to it (I could just imagine Pugsley Addams bringing the thing to geometry class), ranging in color from gross to white. The dentist looked disappointed.

Turns out my teeth were already at the whitest shade, and they just couldn’t get any whiter. (Apparently all those celebs with blindingly white teeth have veneers, also known as the fake shells you get glued to your teeth after an evil dentist has ground your real teeth down to pointy stubs).

“I’ll write a note on your paperwork, then you just take it downstairs to get a refund,” he said. And sure enough, the lady at the front desk just gave me a refund. So consider that an endorsement of the good business practices at Britesmile.

The whole experience did, however, take about two hours of my life — the longest I’ve ever spent traveling and sitting in a waiting room in order to receive a compliment.

(Insert horrible joke here about being “refused service for being white.”)

$300 richer than I’d expected to be, I celebrated with a big fuckin’ Starbucks.

Next stop: lipo clinic?

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Naughty FreshDirect Copywriters

November 16, 2007

Seriously, did they think no one would notice?


“You’ll never take it in the can again”?

Maybe, actually, you’d want some hydrogenated oils for that.

I see that not all comedy writers are on strike.

(Also, it’s “the perfect complement“, not “compliment”).

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put on your hauberk and whip out your vocabulary

November 13, 2007

Thanks to Jonathan Lill, previous Williamsburg Spelling Bee winner, for the tip:

FreeRice.com is a vocabulary quiz website through which companies donate ten grains of rice to famine-stricken areas for each word you get correct.

I played on and off all day and donated some 2,770 grains of rice. Not sure how much rice that is, in practical terms.

In any case, the test is adaptive, so if you are a sesquipedalian sort, the game isn’t boring; you quickly progress to much harder words — especially, it seems, a great many nouns naming specific medieval objects. Hence the title of this post.

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in the world of buxom illustration…

November 13, 2007

My BFF Molly Crabapple has created a webcomic that is being published on her site, one page every Thursday:

“The comic ‘Backstage’ follows the adventures of gossip-mongers/failed vaudevillians, Johnny Panama And Elizabeth Delancy. As reporters for the yellow tabloid “Backstage” Johnny and Elizabeth report on Anarchist dance hall numbers, debauched uptown parties, and where to find the cheapest liquor in town. Set in Gilded Age New York and rendered in Molly Crabapple’s signature style, ‘Backstage’ is a comic romp through sex, drugs, and murder.”

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