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The Great Reformation (a.k.a. The 95 Theses of Pilates)

February 29, 2008

In response to this post, my brother has asked:

“Also, what the fuck is a Pilates Reformer? Am I to believe that Pilates was in some way corrupt and was in need of some improvement or amendment?”

This is a Pilates Reformer:
This is what happens when you graduate from the sad little point-your-toes-and-squeeze-your-abs mat class at the gym and go to a real Pilates studio that has invested in equipment.

This is Martin Luther, instigator of the Reformation:

Martin Luther didn’t do Pilates.On the Reformer, you can do this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

I’m pretty sure this one is Kim Basinger from 9 1/2 Weeks
All of which make a person feel very girly, just like a special snowflake, but none of which will make you look like this:
…which is accomplished by lifting a lot of heavy things (feel free to ask the model), generally with progressive resistance that can be quantified and tracked.

Not to say that a Pilates workout can’t leave you exhausted and sore and sweaty. But Pilates instructors say they focus on the “inner” core muscles you can’t even see; sure enough, in a Pilates studio featuring a big poster that said “REAL MEN DO PILATES,” I was asked to do some very personal squeezing of some very personal muscles.

Do real men do Pilates? Sure, but I’m not sure even someone as Brave New World as I wants to strengthen her pelvic floor in a coed environment.

let’s get stupid

February 28, 2008

I keep injuring myself.

Years ago, I called home from college to tell my parents I had sprained my ankle. My Dad’s first question: “Did you fall off a shoe?” I have lately been damaging myself in similarly girly ways.

First, I cut my finger while cooking, and then split it open again while putting on tights, and again while detangling my hair. And then I slammed my thumb in a Pilates Reformer machine — this, after years of making fun of Pilates, which it turns out I disliked just as much as I thought I would. And then I was actually injured by my own bracelet — a big, hinged, metal bangle that clamps around the wrist, normally leaving plenty of space between my skin and the hinge — except, apparently, when I clap at my own comedy show, thereby jangling the bracelet enough that it snaps open and closed again on my lower arm.

Just watch my stab myself in the eye with an eyelash curler. Those work better if you heat them up on the stove, right?

p.s. – In keeping with the “let’s get stupid” title above, my credit card company put a security block on my card after I made a $49 purchase at a local Staples. Because that’s sooo suspicious. The customer service representative (in Bangalore) seemed miffed by my argument: That’s what credit cards are for. Could I really do anything less suspicious with my credit card?

Moneydog Comedy: “Casual Encounters”

February 28, 2008

Welcome to my comedy-sketch-writing debut! I totally wrote this. I’m in for for a few seconds at the end, too.

Mom quote of the week

February 24, 2008

“If really believed Bust Sculpt worked, I would sit in a bathtub full of it.”

firming lotion

February 22, 2008

My mom sent me a Valentine’s Day package containing various little goodies, but also, bafflingly, including this item:

BUST SCULPT
Now, my mom is an erstwhile Avon lady, and she often sends me moisturizer and makeup (thanks to Mom I have had a free supply of mascara since the ninth grade!), but … boob firming cream?

She wrote:

Dear Jen,

I sent the “boob cream”, because I saw the bit you did on contour-lifting creams. I got the stuff, as part of a promotional offer. It won’t “sculpt” anything, but it’s a decent body moisturizer. Use it as a show prop, or soften those perky parts.

Love Mom

Fun update: a brief Google search for the product brought up this.

Obamarama

February 21, 2008

The Obama campaign has had nearly one million people donate — I think I was just number 931,103! (You can check the count here!)

It was very exciting! There is a donation-matching program, and after I made my donation, I got to see the name of the person who matched my donation (Hi Warren!), and send that person a message. So if you donate during the magical matching period, you get double the efficacy!

From the campaign:

On Tuesday, February 19th, the people of Wisconsin and Hawaii voted overwhelmingly in favor of a new kind of politics.

Barack Obama has now won 10 consecutive contests, but the race for the Democratic nomination remains close. It’s going to be a fight for every vote and every delegate in the remaining 16 contests.

We are within striking distance of something historic: one million people donating to this campaign.

This unprecedented foundation of support has built a campaign that has shaken the status quo and proven that ordinary people can compete in a political process too often dominated by special interests.

Go leave my blog and do that thing with your money now please.

I also signed up to match someone else’s contribution, so it’s possible that if you donate now, we could be campaign contribution buddies!

what happens when you name your little girl after her grandmother and she grows up hot

February 21, 2008

At a newsstand on 34th St., I saw the newest edition of Smooth magazine, a black men’s monthly featuring scantily-clad, callipygian ladies. And then I laughed, because the cover bore the least sexy headline I have ever seen on a men’s magazine:

ESTHER RETIRES!

Sizzle! Doesn’t that sound like a headline more appropriate for, say, Nursing Homes Magazine?

Esther Baxter is certainly very attractive. But “retire” is not a sexy verb.

“Can I have some Medicare now?”

“How Not to Date” at Pete’s Candy Store

February 19, 2008

Here is me doing a little reading from How Not to Date.

Ever since we started videotaping these Pete’s shows, I have had to buy a new $12 breast-enhancing shirt at Strawberry every Monday.

tiny Southern fruits, Mark Twain, and etymology on a Monday morning

February 18, 2008

At the Friars’ Club last week, I heard a singer perform “Moon River,” which, as you may know, contains the phrase “my huckleberry friend.” For those wondering, here is a compendious account of how the humble fruit gained its adjectival meaning.

“I’m a huckleberry over your persimmon” indeed.

my one-liner on Bertrand Russell is not to be missed

February 15, 2008

In April I will perform my one-woman show, “What Philosophy Majors Do After College,” at the Dartmouth Undergraduate Philosophy Conference.

Slightly germane to that, I present you this article, courtesy of Mikey Who Makes All the Pete’s Candy Store Videos, about political philosophy on the show Lost.

NIGHTLY MAKE SEX AT GRASS!

February 15, 2008

Lately, I have been receiving a lot of emails from webmasters asking to trade links, but the sites are all wildly inappropriate (a sunglasses store, a wiffleball information site) and written in dubious English.

The latest was from “Simple Love Secrets,” a website that is truly tossing away all outmoded distinctions between subject and object pronouns, and on which all prepositions are interchangeable.

From the post Best Way to Make Him Felt Hot:

14. Ask him to park the car in imperceptible place and to have sex at the back seat.

15. Nightly came at the garden and make sex at grass, under the tree, anywhere.

I also look forward to the great success I might experience with #12, “Bed him down the back and start to have sex.” I think I need a diagram.

Monday Evening Stand-Up: our latest video

February 11, 2008

From the Monday, January 14th show at Pete’s, starring Jess Wood, Rena Zager, Lisa Kaplan, Rebecca Ciletti, and Will Franken.

How Not to Date

February 9, 2008

I have several anecdotes in Judy McGuire’s hilarious new book, How Not to Date. (The book also says I’m 30 (!) — I think it must have gone to press earlier than the editors expected). On Wednesday, I’ll be helping Judy celebrate at this event:

“How Not to Date” Party
Valentine’s Eve (Wednesday, February 13)
The Knitting Factory’s Tap Room
6:30-8:00 PMThere will be snacks, a cash bar with happy hour prices, book giveaways, and some surprises (which may or may not include interpretive dance). I hear there will also be a “bad date story” contest!

Jen on bangs, relationships, dying alone, BDSM, and how to repurpose your old lacrosse stick

February 6, 2008

Thanks to Rachel Kramer Bussel and her In the Flesh Reading Series for making this video happen:

This may be the quintessential Jen video right now.

Obamarama

February 5, 2008

I voted for Obama today. (And I’m in the majority of my young-feminist demographic, according to the poll on Feministing today).

I was accompanied by the Intrepid Young Journalist, but separated from him at the polls, as our last names fall in different halves of the alphabet.

The IYJ’s polling booth was temporarily broken, and was being fixed by an elections volunteer in a motorized wheelchair so large it couldn’t fit into the booth. I watched his several attempts to enter (as various other volunteers stood and sat around, not terribly busy), assuming he was actually trying to vote, and thinking that it was kind of sad that the booth couldn’t accommodate him very well. Only afterwards did the IYJ tell me the man in the wheelchair was in fact the lever-repairperson.

Would you like to meet the Intrepid Young Journalist and hear his intrepidly-journalistic analysis of Super Tuesday?

Lolita Bar Debates:
Reactions to the Presidential Primaries
Wednesday, Feb 6th (tomorrow!)
Lolita Bar, 266 Broome St., basement level
Free admission
8pm (Details)

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