The Post in Which Jen Has a Baby

October 28, 2008

For those unawares, I’ve donated eggs twice, primarily for the cash, and both times to single gay men in California (but that’s all I know about them — it’s otherwise anonymous from my end).

Yesterday I got a call from the egg donation agency. I’ve removed myself from their donor database (I have a real career, I’m a fully-fledged adult, I don’t enjoy being a human pincushion, etc.), but … would I agree to donate one more time so the parents of a kid made from my eggs can have a sibling?

Up until now, no one had told me whether the whole thing actually WORKED. I had no idea if there were any Jen-babies out there at all. Apparently there are, and somebody wants seconds.

Here is the most appropriate image I could find on the interweb.

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Photo Post: Pre-Halloween Edition

October 28, 2008

For this past Saturday’s NYC Spelling Bee at Housing Works, I modified my “queen bee” costume for the wet, icky weather. Why does everyone want to be a Slutty Bee in freaking October? I’d rather be a Cozy Bee. In a sweater.

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Robert Moy won this one. See The New York City Spelling Bee for complete coverage.

Last Wednesday, the Math Bee at Chelsea Market was, um, “enhanced” by automated Halloween decorations. Specifically, a wailing ghost on a cable that periodically flew over my head with orange-lit eyes and a death rattle.

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Winner Venk Natarajan knows math. Visit Chelsea Mind Games for complete coverage.

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Invisible Woman costume

October 25, 2008

Um… “Half off” might sound like a good deal, but I’ve got a better Invisible Woman costume:

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Don’t go to the Halloween party, and say you did.

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I Aspire To Be The Top Google Search Result For “World Bank Vagina”

October 13, 2008

Maybe the reason for the current global financial crisis is that the World Bank meets in the shape of a giant vagina.

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I mean, I’m not an economist, but this one was just too easy.

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Upcoming Shows: Geography and (Halloween) Spelling

October 12, 2008

This Wednesday, in the Chelsea Market:
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Next Saturday, now with (optional) costume contest — best nerdy/literary costume gets a prize! Just show up.
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I am hosting a show as part of the first-ever Hysterical Festival

October 9, 2008

It’s not exactly on the mainstage, but that actually kind of matches the theme…

GEEKS AND FREAKS Get ready for something a little, well, different. A night of alternative comedy with Robin Gelfenbien (Sirius, VH1, NY Fringe Festival), Carla Rhodes (CBS’ The Late Show with David Letterman, Penthouse Forum, NBC’s Last Comic Standing), The O’Debra Twins (Bowery Poetry Club’s “Show & Tell”) and Jen Dziura (Williamsburg Spelling Bee, Chelsea Mind Games, McSweeney’s).

Saturday, October 18th
Ochi’s Lounge at 7:00 pm
353 W. 14th Street (at 9th Ave)

Tickets are $5 at the door plus a one item food or drink purchase from the discounted menu.

Catch the rest of Hysterical Festival’s Ochi’s Lounge shows online!

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Post-Debate Omnibus Politics Roundup

October 8, 2008

I caught the last half of the debate last night after I finished a gig.

One astute reader summed it up thus:

Does McCain know any living people? EVERYONE he quotes is dead. He knows about nuclear power because he served on a Navy ship…….big whoop! I know about the grain industry because I baked a cake.

Although I hardly hide my political preferences, I would sooner stab myself with a mascara wand than display this bumper sticker:

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1980s Nagel portraits for Obama!

joe-biden-debate.jpgI did notice during the Vice Presidential debate that the male candidate seems to have had more plastic surgery than the female candidate. This plastic surgery blog agrees.

Biden appears to have had Botox, has definitely had hair transplants, and clearly has had some major teeth whitening or perhaps even veneers. And it all looks fantastic. I am now endorsing plastic surgery for our nation’s politicians, regardless of gender.

During the VP debate, I actually kind of noticed that both Biden and Palin, on a totally superficial level, looked fantastic — which was nice, because it allowed us all to, hopefully, focus on the actual words coming out of their actual mouths. (In contrast, last night, Obama looked normal, McCain looked super-awkward and shifty without a podium — his weird pacing and fidgeting was reminiscent of Nixon walking on the beach in dress shoes).

This $12.95 Obama Halloween mask is currently ranked #123 in Amazon Toys & Games, while the five-cents-cheaper McCain mask is ranked #113. I’m not sure what this means — would a person be more likely to dress up for Halloween as the guy they like or the guy they don’t like?

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Interestingly, a Mitt Romney mask is ranked #213,990 in “Apparel,” a couple of different Sarah Palin masks are doing pretty well, Hillary masks are still going strong — but no one has bothered to even make a Joe Biden mask. Dear God, that would be a boring Halloween costume. Unless you went with someone dressed as Sarah Palin, and just constantly asked her if she could see anything new happening in Russia.

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One of the First Cassettes My Parents Ever Bought Me

October 6, 2008

images.jpegI waited in line at Starbucks today to the maddeningly-gentle sounds of circa-1970s James Taylor.

When I was about 13, I had to have four teeth removed from my tiny little mouth before I could get braces.  The teeth were yanked under local anesthesia.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life.  After many, many shots into my gums, the dentist had one leg up on the chair I was in, using his bodyweight to try to wrench teeth from my mouth.  Thank god this guy didn’t go into obstetrics.

At the previous appointment with this guy, he had suggested that I bring my own music to listen to during the procedure.  I brought the most peaceful, relaxing album I had: James Taylor’s Greatest Hits.  

Now, every time I hear “You’ve Got a Friend,” I want to punch a dentist.

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The Dish or the Surgery

October 6, 2008

I was buying paper towels at Duane Reade when a woman asked a non-native-English-speaking employee where the rubber gloves were. I was about to tell her myself, but I would have been wrong, as it didn’t occur to me at that moment that there are more than one kind of rubber gloves.

The helpful employee said, “For the dish or for the surgery?”

She looked a little startled. “For the surgery,” she said, and they went off together to medical supplies. I was pleased that the imperfect use of English didn’t stop the job from getting done.

(See also, “Help Wanted Pizzaman” and NIGHTLY MAKE SEX AT GRASS!)

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Quote From My Brother Brian, Sent Via Text, 7:55 p.m.

October 4, 2008

“You blog like old people fuck… with constantly decreasing frequency and effort.”

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Sorry about that, folks!  It has been true, lately!  I have been dealing with some Personal Life Changes. 

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