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I went up four escalators for this?

November 28, 2008

This Bloomingdale’s display was supposed to be advertising jeans, but it’s actually advertising evil. 

To counteract the horror, please meditate upon this photo of my cat.

The Comedy Nerds Podcast

November 24, 2008

A full-on 45 minutes of my waxing sarcastically philosophical….

The Comedy Nerds Podcast: How Does Appearance Effect Comedy?
With Dustin D’Addato and Dan McInerney, and special guest Jen Dziura

This article about me uses the phrase “hipster-smarty-pants”

November 24, 2008

On the Use of the Subjunctive Mood in Popular Music

November 18, 2008

I’ve been known to rag on Beyonce before, but I’m warming up to the woman who can mesmerize with her thighs.

Here’s why.   

Pussycat Dolls, “Don’t Cha”

There’s this thing in English called the subjunctive mood.  We use it for conditional statements.  ”Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me” is not a correct use of the subjunctive mood.  (Ignoring “don’t cha,” the sentence really should’ve said “WERE hot like me.”  Similarly, later lyrics should say “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend WERE raw like me,” etc.) 

Skee-Lo’s 1995 classic “I Wish” also misuses the subjunctive mood.  This abuse has been going on for at least thirteen years. 

Skee-Lo, “I Wish”

This new Beyonce song, however, uses the subjunctive correctly, and features Beyonce as a hot lady cop.  Nice work! 

Beyonce, “If I Were a Boy”

Bliss = an Iced Quad Espresso and a Leftover Chicken Parm Calzone

November 18, 2008

This morning for breakfast I ate half a calzone that had been wrapped in foil in my purse all night.  It was phenomenal.

If you want to purchase the world’s largest $6 calzone (that’s a bargain in NYC), try the pizza place on the west side of 8th Ave between 35th and 36th. This thing was enormous. I was disappointed when I looked in my bag this morning and realized I had forgotten to put my leftovers in the fridge, but I’ve been starting to realize that, when lots of small food places close down for the night, they pretty much just leave a lot of stuff in the cabinets overnight. The rugelach no one buys today, maybe someone will buy next Tuesday…. The calzone didn’t kill me. I left it in the oven for 10 minutes while I ran to Starbucks. That’s living dangerously.

Incidentally, the pizza place on 8th also offers a type of pizza called “Florentinal” (I’m pretty sure the adjectival form of “Florence” is just “Florentine”), as well as one called “Carne Amore,” which I figured out was supposed to be a “meat lovers’ pizza,” but which I first read as “The Meat of Love,” which is just dirty.

Male Objectification

November 13, 2008

I walked past a mannequin store in Chelsea and saw this for sale for $18, so I bought it.  Who wouldn’t?

I sent this photo to my mom, and she replied:

The torso you brought home is kind of strange.  If you were artistically admiring the sculpted form, I can get that……….  If you were trying to pick up a guy that won’t talk back, you’ve succeeded.  If you were looking for company, you should have played with your cat.   If you were looking for a good time, I couldn’t help but notice he’s missing some stuff.  

Love,

Mom

Jen D on the mic

November 10, 2008

Being a Grownup is Sweet – the spelling bee in Jaunted.

Obamarama: W 37th St

November 10, 2008

This is Just to Remind You That I’ve Been to Djibouti

November 7, 2008

This picture of me in Africa in summer 2007 has just popped up.  Turns out this Marine is a Facebook friend of my cousin….

Done

November 4, 2008

An Obama Presidency is Going to Ruin Comedy

November 4, 2008

I’m voting for Obama today, of course, but I do realize that an Obama presidency will give comedians way less to talk about.

Wow man, I’m so broke. If something doesn’t happen for me soon … I’ll have sooo much health insurance. In fact, I’ll be totally well. Comedy is a tough business, but … yeah, man, it’s cool if I get cancer. You hear me out there?

Things are really hard in show business — I sure hope I don’t get pregnant. If I have to have an abortion, it’ll be totally … free. And come with carbon offsets.

The Terrible Things That Happen as a Result of Excessive Alcohol Consumption

November 4, 2008

I had two cocktails at my show at Pete’s tonight.  That’s a lot for a small person.  After the show, I bought groceries and carried them home, at which point my tipsy self proceeded to devour all the organic carrots.  Seriously, someone stop me when I drink.  I am a danger to myself.  HOW MANY ORGANIC CARROTS CAN ONE WOMAN HANDLE???  And now I am blogging.  And then I am going to swallow a vitamin tablet, apply Oil of Olay Microsculpting Face Cream, and go to bed.  I am out of control!!!  And totally free of pesticides.

Gen Y Sux Balls HaHa

November 3, 2008

From fellow blogger Simon Smithson, the saga of Kyle Doyle, the guy who emailed “HAHAHA LMAO epic fail” to his boss.

Dear Puerto Ricans

November 3, 2008

Dear Puerto Ricans,

Thank you for pastelone. Who would have thought of making a pork and plantain casserole with onions and raisins, and throwing in a little eggplant for good measure? I love you.

Here is the only coverage I was able to find of this dish on the internet. The one is the picture, though, is tiny and fancy and dainty. The one (or rather, slice of one) I obtained in the Murray Hill neighborhood of Manhattan was just like a giant delicious sloppy casserole. It’s a tropical pot pie. Someone’s a genius.

Sincerely,

Jen

Language Means Things; Sometimes, Messy Things

November 1, 2008

I’m not against porn, but I dislike how you can no longer tell anyone you got a facial without that person giggling.

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