Party Like It’s 2009

December 31, 2008

Click here to continue to blog posts for 2009.

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Organic Lipsticks Have Super-Gay Names

December 30, 2008

As did many people, I read the report that women may absorb up to five pounds of chemicals per year from makeup, so I decided to buy some organic lipstick. This required some research. Many people who care about organic products also are opposed to lipstick in any form. The website from which I eventually purchased the lipstick also contains this banner:

The company is run by lovely people who support admirable feminist causes, but, um… wrinkles? Will you also love your dropping eyelids, thinning undereye skin, sagging jawline, liver spots, and corded neck bands? (Seriously, think about old lady necks). Personally, I have a strong interest in using the best of science and capitalism to laser off, grind down, fill in, and otherwise eliminate wrinkles as soon as they attack.

Anyway, the lipsticks may be adding minutes to my lifespan, but they have super-gay names. And by “gay,” I mean the way kids on the playground say “gay,” which has nothing to do with actual gay people, because most kids are completely uninformed about all the lovely boutiques in Chelsea and the fact that gay people almost always have better style than children. But in any case, I do feel that the playground use of the word “gay” describes a specific quality, unrelated to actual gays and lesbians, similar to but not entirely equivalent to “lameness.” I think “lame” has the connotation of being boring, whereas playground-gayness is like lameness that has swapped out its boredom for embarrassment. And this perfectly describes the names of these fucking lipsticks.

Conventional lipstick names are not difficult. Start with one of these words:

pink
red
plum
wine
rum
rose
peach
coral
nude
tan
toffee
mocha

Now add any other noun or adjective that is not unfeminine or gross. And you’ve made a lipstick! For example:

Toffee Stunner
Rum-Fabulous
La Vie en Rose
Pink Reflection
Perceptive Plum
REDRUM (I’m sure you could work the word “shining” into the ad somewhere)
Mulled Wine
Oahu Coral
Icicle Pink (icicles are not pink, but no one cares!)
Winter Peach (there is no such thing!)
Commie Pinko (I googled this — why has no one marketed this???)

My organic lipsticks look great, and they are free of several varieties of nasty. But they are named:

Paint Me Open-Minded
Paint Me Strong
Paint Me Healed

Of course, they’re all like that.

Just tell me that’s not gay. In the kids-on-the-playground way. Not the Tim-Gunn-gives-you-a-makeover way.

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Action Movies Portray Mothers as Raving Idiots

December 27, 2008

I have begun noticing that mothers in action films always seem to be portrayed as irrational, instinct-ruled shriekers who want to protect their children at all cost, but whose brains fly out the window in so doing.

I just saw The Dark Knight again, in which Commissioner Gordon’s wife cowers and shrieks as Two-Face holds a gun to her son’s head and sadistically demands that Commissioner Gordon “lie” to his son by saying that everything would be okay. No argument there: most people would shriek and cower. But then, when Batman rushes in and pushes everyone off the ledge, cape aflutter, she shrieks again. I think she yells “No!” Look, lady, he’s freaking BATMAN. He can FLY. He’s got your shit covered. Batman catches the kid, passes him to the Commissioner.

I am also reminded of the 1985 Harrison Ford film Witness. In the final showdown, again, a gunman threatens to kill the son of Ford’s Amish love interest. She shrieks. When Ford finally gets his hands on the kid, but the gunmen are still armed, Ford makes a speech, something like “How far is the violence going to go? You could kill me, her, all these people on the farm, this little boy” — and again, the stupid fucking Amish woman is like “No!” Apparently, once your uterus has housed a person, you no longer understand the need to be less than completely straightforward with a criminal you are trying to manipulate into not killing your children.

I’m not suggesting that characters who are supposed to be “regular people” should jump up and engage in hand-to-hand combat. I’m just thinking that lots of real-life women, even under duress, have the ability to take a cue from the person who is obviously trying to save them. And, more importantly, men in action movies are basically never portrayed in this way. Male “regular people” characters who are in danger (Coleman Reese in The Dark Night) usually sweat a lot and nervously play along — they’re always smart enough to play along.

Those are the only two examples I’ve got off the bat, but I feel certain I’ve seen this in many more movies. Can anyone else think of examples?

And now, to round out this post: Sarah Conner will kill you her own fucking self.

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I Squint for Shoes

December 24, 2008

I’m in a Nine West commercial! Enjoy!

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Equal Opportunity Shallow

December 24, 2008

I’m glad that shirtless-Obama has finally set off a spate of scrutinizing the physiques of male leaders similar to the scrutiny that continually fell upon Hillary’s “cankles.” From now on, world leaders must have good abs.

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The Apple Store can BEND TIME

December 23, 2008

From the Fifth Avenue Apple Store’s page on Apple.com:

The zoom-in:

Really now?

If you can extend those hours, well … I’d like to see you extend a lot of things. (Or, er … I’ve got some time and space you can bend?)

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What I Look Like When I’m Blogging, Courtesy of My Mac

December 22, 2008

Correction: What I look like when I stop blogging and display the most attractive angle of my cheekbones for the Photobooth application.

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Logical Reasoning Quote of the Day

December 22, 2008

Jenisfamous reader Phineas, after attempting to post a comment, wrote the following in an email to me:

I just got rejected by your “Is fire hot or cold?” spam-thwarter. I answered, “yes.” I feel good about my answer; were Regis to ask me if I wanted to change it, I would respectfully decline. (He’s my elder, after all.) Nonetheless, I suspect that if I change my answer to “hot,” it will go through.

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Limp Diction

December 21, 2008

I am not free of the scourge of bad grammar even on the elliptical machine at the gym. Exhibit 1, this fitness magazine ad:

Women want in! To the freaking dictionary, apparently.

Exhibit 2, the closeup:

“Elicit” is a verb that means “prompt, bring forth.” “Illicit” is an adjective that means “illegal.”

Also, the last sentence has a real parallelism problem. Apparently, it should be noted that 1) it’s powerful, and 2) used with caution. It should be noted that used with caution.

Did Sarah Palin write this ad?

Retro Linkback: In 2005, I posted a picture of my college abs.

Posted by jen | Categories: Jen says, advertising, fitness, grammar | 3 Comments | | Email This Post