Organic Lipsticks Have Terrible Names
December 30, 2008
As did many people, I read the report that women may absorb up to five pounds of chemicals per year from makeup, so I decided to buy some organic lipstick. This required some research. Many people who care about organic products also are opposed to lipstick in any form. The website from which I eventually purchased the lipstick also contains this banner:
The company is run by lovely people who support admirable feminist causes, but, um… wrinkles? Will you also love your dropping eyelids, thinning undereye skin, sagging jawline, liver spots, and corded neck bands? (Seriously, think about old lady necks). Personally, I have a strong interest in using the best of science and capitalism to laser off, grind down, fill in, and otherwise eliminate wrinkles as soon as they attack.
Anyway, the lipsticks may be adding minutes to my lifespan, but they have lame-ass names.
Conventional lipstick names are not difficult. Start with one of these words:
- pink
- red
- plum
- wine
- rum
- rose
- peach
- coral
- nude
- tan
- toffee
- mocha
Now add any other noun or adjective that is not unfeminine or gross. And you’ve made a lipstick! For example:
- Toffee Stunner
- Rum-Fabulous
- La Vie en Rose
- Pink Reflection
- Perceptive Plum
- REDRUM (I’m sure you could work the word “shining” into the ad somewhere)
- Mulled Wine
- Oahu Coral
- Icicle Pink (icicles are not pink, but no one cares!)
- Winter Peach (there is no such thing!)
- Commie Pinko (I googled this — why has no one marketed this???)
My organic lipsticks look great, and they are free of several varieties of nasty. But they are named:
- Paint Me Open-Minded
- Paint Me Strong
- Paint Me Healed
Of course, they’re all like that.
Paint me unamused.
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Paint names have the same qualities. My friend made me go with him to Sherwin-Williams because he was afraid to order a color dubbed “pussywillow.”