Empty Red Envelopes

April 22, 2009

images.jpegPro-lifers have been sending empty red envelopes to the White House to protest abortion.  Funny, “empty red envelope” describes basically how I’d like to keep my uterus at this time, thankyouverymuch.  Complete with “Forever” stamp.

I can only wonder if this supposedly grassroots movement was cooked up by the U. S. Postal Service.  How can we get people to send more mail — while making as little work for us as possible?  What if they all send it to the same address … and if it doesn’t arrive, they never actually know about it … and oh, all the envelopes are totally empty, just to save on gas for our fleet of DC-area postal trucks.  But I wonder who would ever fall for this scheme?!

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I Would Never Endorse Taster’s Choice

April 21, 2009

I was coming home from my show, a little tipsy, when I opened a magazine and saw this ad:

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(I saw a paper version, of course, but fortunately the same image was online, so I screenshotted it for you).

And my immediate thought was: What the fuck am I doing in a Taster’s Choice ad?!

I don’t remember getting paid for this. I’m not sure I even agree with the apostrophe: Taster’s Choice? You only bothered to get one taster to do the choosing? Maybe that’s the problem with your product.

I’m reminded of the time a college friend emailed me to ask if the woman third from the left was me:

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It isn’t, but I actually wasn’t sure for a minute or two. Around 2004, I did photoshoots with a number of photographers for which I signed releases that said the photos could be used for commercial purposes, so it’s possible I could pop up someplace, advertising something. “Jennifer Dziura liked this product when she was in her early twenties. Now, not so much.”

Now that I think about it, instant coffee and urinals are a highly apropos product endorsement match.

Update: Thanks to Andrés for digging up this article about a man whose face was used on Taster’s Choice packaging without his permission.

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4/20

April 20, 2009

I have been informed that today is 4/20.  (Dear Mom - “420″ means weed).

It’s like Pi Day for people who’ve forgotten all of the digits of pi after 3. 

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How to Really, Really Multitask. With Both Tits.

April 17, 2009

Whoa. The La Leche League sells this “Hands Free Pump Bra”:

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I wonder if this woman is just trying to make it as a model, and she was so happy she booked a gig. They told her there were pumps involved! Pumps, I love pumps — maybe they’re Manolos, like on Sex and the City, she thought! And then … they brought out the pumps.I wondered why they never asked my shoe size.

Also: there is no way I could use my laptop while that was going on. And she’s talking on the phone! What about? Dairy futures? How can she concentrate?!

Buy it here! Pump and baby sold separately.

Update: My friend Steph from high school wrote to say, “I happen to use that hands-free bra twice daily (for the reason advertised) and it’s great! In fact, I think everyone who owns one thinks it’s stupendous. Does it look like some sort of accomplice to a medieval torture device? Yes. Does it come in only one color (white) that makes the pale look even paler? Yes. Does it help me multitask? Well, no, it’s a bit hard to concentrate on anything else when wearing this contraption. Just ask my husband!”

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Brooklyn Gentrification Reaches New Heights!

April 14, 2009

I was in the soup aisle at Sunac Natural Foods last night. Sunac is a large, 24 hour health food grocery store located at Union and Metropolitan, right near the L train stop at Lorimer. I go there often after my Monday night shows at Pete’s Candy Store. Sure, it’s a little expensive, but it’s very convenient.

Prior to last night, the most outrageous prices I had seen in the store were $18 for almond butter, and $20+ for Burt’s Bees various hand/foot/body/face/shaving goop.

Next to the carton of vegetable stock I was thinking of purchasing were unassuming looking cans of “Whole Truffles” and “Truffle Juice.”

I thought, oh, how tasty (I imagine — I’m not totally sure what truffles actually taste like). You can buy truffles and their juice at the grocery store and put them in soup (I guess). I picked up the Whole Truffles:

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$74.99!

And the Truffle Juice?

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$99.99!

Not a mistake. In the ‘burbs, Walgreens keeps pregnancy tests and Mach 17 Time-and-Space-Bending Razors behind the counter because those things cost, like, $18. The $99.99 cans of truffle juice were just sitting on the shelf. Next to beans.

To think, just a few years ago this neighborhood was all falafel and pierogies.

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Chelsea Mind Games blog

April 11, 2009

I spend my every Wednesday running Chelsea Mind Games, a quiz night in the Chelsea Market.

I am now posting the results of each week’s game, as well as answers to our warmup quizzes, here. (Warmup quizzes are handed out beginning at 6:30 — anything is fair game for subject matter). Here’s a sample of a couple of warmup quiz questions:

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Answers here.

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Stupid Ad of the Day: Digging for Doctorates

April 9, 2009

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“Want a fake degree off the internet?  Live underground like a weasel!”

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Comments by Lady on Ladies in the Lady Magazines

April 9, 2009

glamourtwo040809.jpgGlamour magazine this month has published some absolutely gorgeous photos of plus-size model Crystal Renn. Jezebel deconstructs the language accompanying the photos.

I have often felt conflicted because I’m a feminist and I definitely don’t want anyone to be shamed for their bodies, but I can never quite jump on all-bodies-are-equally-good bandwagon because, well, I have family members who routinely get told by their doctors that even a few extra pounds put stress on the joints and back, exacerbate arthritis, etc., and also because agreeing that everyone has equal human rights and is worthy of respect hardly means that we have to agree that everyone looks equally hot, which they don’t. Catwalk models are genetic freaks, and I like them that way even more than I like these kinds of medical oddities.

But this photoshoot has made me realize that the real problem has simply been a lack of proper Photoshopping for our nation’s plus-sized citizens! It’s no fair comparing those who routinely get Photoshopped to those typically considered unworthy of Photoshopping. Airbrushed fat is just as good as airbrushed thin! That was the problem all along — fat people were being denied their constitutional right to airbrushing. While some models may need their “lumps and bumps” (in Glamour’s words) airbrushed, the skinny ones need probably need their bruises airbrushed out, because when you have 12% bodyfat, you can get bruises on your hipbones from sleeping on a cozy mattress.

Now let’s go buy $300 swimsuits!

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Why the MTA is Bankrupt

April 6, 2009

Here, at the 53rd and Lexington E/V stop, I figured out why the MTA is insolvent.

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It must be all the people who are paying $2 admission to the subway and RIDING THE ESCALATOR without RIDING THE SUBWAY. And thereby using valuable … electrons. And necessitating this electronic message.

Hear that, everybody? This escalator, which exists past the turnstile where $2 is debited from your card, is for PASSENGERS ONLY. Don’t think you can just pay us, NOT ride the subway, and leave. That would be like stealing. Or the opposite of stealing.

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Trivia: “When did you stop beating your wife?”

April 3, 2009

I know this would have been way more fun on April Fools’, but I couldn’t post Wednesday night’s trivia questions on my blog before the game actually took place Wednesday night — and while the questions would have provided the second-most fun on Thursday, my wireless card decided not to participate. So here they are now, a bit tardy.

At Chelsea Mind Games trivia, the 50 questions come in themed sets of 5. The last 5 were the April Fools’ questions — each question has a structural flaw, and some (but not all) of the flaws make the questions unanswerable.

For instance, if I ask, “What is the name of Hillary Clinton’s oldest son?”, a correct reply would be “She has no sons!” But if I ask, “Who said ‘Walk softly and carry a big bat’?”, a correct reply would be “Teddy Roosevelt — and actually, it was a big stick.” Here are the questions — each one has something wrong with it, but 4 of the 5 can be answered anyway.

  1. What US President said, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.”

  2. Name the wife of French novelist George Sand.

  3. As introduced by Issac Asimov in 1942, what are the four laws of robotics?

  4. In what country does the desert rat kangaroo live?

  5. Who is the head of state of the nation of the Northern Mariana Islands?

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