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Spelling Word of the Day: fun and flammable (well, maybe just flammable)

January 22, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right, of the Season Ten Williamsburg Spelling Bee finalists, is by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

It’s Your Time (Having a Baby): Second-Person Pronoun Abuse

January 21, 2010

This is the “New Non-Fiction” rack near the door in a Barnes and Noble. It holds only two books: It’s Your Time and YOU Having a Baby.

Actually, the complete title of It’s Your Time, by megachurch pastor Joel Osteen, is It’s Your Time: Activate Your Faith, Achieve Your Dreams, and Increase in God’s Favor. (A “search inside the book” for the word “payday” brings up four references, all of them encouraging you to ask for yours).

There’s no need to even debunk anything Osteen says, because Christians themselves are doing a fine enough job:

Did Jesus die so you could live in “total victory”? Is the story of the resurrection about “living an abundant life”? I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’m an atheist, and I think the Bible is a book of bad history mixed with fiction. But The Lord of the Rings is also fiction, and I’d get mad if you started telling me that Frodo traveled to Mordor as a way of overcoming mediocrity and living an abundant life (and you can too!)

Barbara Ehrenreich (whom I adore) wrote the following in the Huffington Post in 2008, when Osteen’s wife and co-pastor, Victoria, went on trial for assaulting a flight attendant:

Consider the ways the Lord works in the life of the Osteens, as recounted in Joel’s book Your Best Life Now, which has sold four million copies and is graced by a back cover photo of the smiling couple. Acting through Victoria, who kept “speaking words of faith and victory” on the subject, Joel was led to build the family “an elegant home.” On other occasions, God intervened to save Joel from a speeding ticket and to get him not only a good parking spot but “the premier spot in that parking lot.” Why God did not swoop down with a sponge and clean up the offending stain on the armrest remains a mystery, because Osteen’s deity is less the Master of the Universe than an obliging factotum.

But there’s a better reason for this post. The two books juxtaposed on the New Non-Fiction rack have something else in common.

Note the bizarre use of English in YOU Having a Baby. It sounds as though the book is written for pregnant ogres. ME HAVE BABY. READ BOOK, NO EAT BABY, NO HIT BABY WITH ROCK!

YOU Having a Baby is, of course, a followup to YOU On a Diet, YOU The Owner’s Manual, YOU Being Beautiful, YOU Staying Young, etc. BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU! Or, more importantly, if you just read a book about pregnancy or dieting, you would be unable to make the imaginative leap towards applying the advice therein to your very own self! Oh, say our sad little selves, Me human too? Book about me? Me diet? Me feel included like not ever before!

Osteen, also, employs a grating second-person address throughout his self-help tome. From the back cover:

Your dream may be just up [sic] around the corner. You may think it will take another two years. But if you stay in faith, who knows? It may just be two more months. You are closer than you think. I believe it’s your time.

Really? Is it all of our time? Let me get this straight — is it literally everyone’s time, or is it only the time of the people who bought the book? The former would seem to create a conundrum: we can’t all have God giving us the best parking spots at once. If the latter, then does Joel have magical powers that allow him to see all of us who were about to buy the book, and see into our futures? If not, and it’s merely the act of purchasing the book that makes you part of the titular “You,” then Joel has set up a grand tautology.

There are two reasons that the gratuitous second-person address is so grating. First, it’s illogical (as above). Second, it’s condescending in the extreme.

What’s the last book you read that addressed you in the second person? For me, it was the Choose Your Own Adventure series. Which, of course, was for children. (And I, of course, was a child).

From The Abominable Snowman

Christopher Hitchens waxed weary on the subject in 2007 (The You Decade):

I suppose I started to notice it about two or three years ago, when the salespeople at Rite-Aid began wearing dish-sized lapel buttons stating that “YOU are the most important customer I will serve today.” It was all wrong, in the same way that a sign hung on a door saying “Back in five minutes” is out of time as soon as it is put in place. It was wrong in other ways, too, since it could be read from some distance (say, from 10 spaces back in a slow-moving line) and thus became an irritant to anyone who could grasp that “they”—or the “we” of this putative “you”—were not really important at all.

I believe it’s time to take a stand against second-person pronoun abuse (hint: that means you!)

And don’t forget, folks: YOU are the most important person reading this blog!

Spelling Word of the Day: it is a common saying in Hawaii that “the name is longer than the fish”

January 21, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Spelling Word of the Day: I made sure today’s photo was (only) of me, lest anyone be offended

January 20, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

No Drying if You Washed Out of the Launder Center (Also: Typo and Boobs)

January 19, 2010

Why is it the case that every laundromat in the city posts some version of this sign?

Is it the case that the washers are sooo much more profitable than the dryers, such that the proprietors don’t want you only drying?

If people want to use the dryers so much, why not just raise the price on the dryers?

And who are these people dragging wet items washed elsewhere into the Launder Center? What are these items? What are they wet with?

Can anyone shed light on the topic of laundromat dryer economics?

(Obviously, from my non-winter-coat-wearing torso in the reflection, I took this photo some months ago).

Enjoy my last laundromat-related post here.

Spelling Word of the Day: to the swinging and the ringing of the bells, bells, bells!

January 19, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Spelling Word of the Day: of which adult spelling bees constitute a fine example

January 18, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right, of Williamsburg Spelling Bee Season Ten finalist Lilli (who does not necessarily endorse this service) is by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Spelling Word of the Day: Boom Boom Pow

January 17, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Spelling Word of the Day: just like on the bucket of chicken

January 16, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Spelling Word of the Day: when in Rome, don’t spell as the Romans do

January 15, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Spelling Word of the Day: who knew shop class might’ve been helpful?

January 14, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

People Magazine Stole Beyonce’s Thighs

January 14, 2010

Look, it’s no People magazine Photoshopped out Michael Phelps’ penis (still by far the most popular page on this blog), but People magazine stole Beyonce’s thighs:

What is this? Beyonce’s thighs are a public property. I can barely exercise unless I am watching them. I know every crazy thigh jut and undulation from “Ring the Alarm” to “Suga Mama” to, of course, “Single Ladies.” My main reason for wanting a video iPod was to watch Beyonce dance while I do cardio. Her thigh-to-calf ratio is like 5:1. I know those damn thighs. Observe:

What gives, People magazine? What did you do with the rest of Beyonce’s thighs? For the record, I called out People in 2006 for a racist “facial analysis” piece.

That said, please enjoy my previous posts about Beyonce.

Also, my internet research on the topic of Beyonce’s thighs has led me to the UrbanDictionary entry for the term power formation, and for that I am grateful and edified.

Spelling Word of the Day: for the heretics and iconoclasts

January 13, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is of Season Ten winner Wilson Southerland, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

Things I Find in My Parents’ Dining Room: The Essay That Got Me Into Dartmouth

January 12, 2010

A few of you may know that I sometimes tutor students for the SAT, GRE, and GMAT, and then spend the money on trips to randomly-chosen exotic locales. Over the holidays, I found the (successful) college applications essay I wrote as a high school senior. The question was “Write your own question and answer it.” Here it is!

Jennifer Dziura
Frank W. Cox High School
Virginia Beach, Virginia

The Question:

Unbeknownst to you, an extraterrestrial life form has been observing you for the past twenty-four hours. He will use the information he has collected for his doctoral dissertation, entitled “A Study in Behavioral Science: The Human Dartmouth Applicant.” The life form has several pages of notes regarding your behavior and activities during this period; translate an excerpt from these notes into English and record it here.

The Answer:

Universal Time 3 1 : 234
Galactic Date 7819-420
Subject: human female Dartmouth applicant, aged seventeen earth years

The earth female is standing at the kitchen sink. She washes her hands meticulously; her arms, up to the elbows, are laden with soapsuds. A turn of the faucet increases the surge of water, and she rinses the disintegrating soapsuds from her skin.

Following this cleansing ritual, the earth female dries her hands on a filthy dishrag. She turns to leave, realizes what she has done, and resigns herself to another handwashing. Sensors indicate that the subject’s antibacterial efforts are successful.

The earth female eats an apple and retreats to the upper portion of her family’s dwelling. She opens a small, flat case, removes a “compact disc,” and inserts it into a machine apparently designed for this purpose. Peculiar sounds emanate from this apparatus: sensors identify the voice as that of Frank Sinatra, a musical performer of the twentieth earth century, also known as “Old Blue Eyes.” Sinatra proclaims “Luck be a lady tonight….” The significance of this is unknown.

The subject sits at her desk and opens a large, unwieldy book entitled A History of Civilization. She comes across the term “Thermidorean reaction,” appears perplexed. and refers to the book’s index. The earth female’s studying behavior is interrupted by a shrill peal that occurs at short, evenly spaced intervals. Sensors indicate that the source is a primitive communications device known as a “telephone.”

Having lifted the telephone from its cradle, the subject offers a traditional earth greeting; the voice of another human female is transmitted through the device. The following exchange takes place:

“Hi. Have you read the newspaper today?”
“No. not yet. I have tests in four A.P. classes tomorrow and a debate tournament this weekend. Why, did someone shoot the President?”
“No. but someone shot Bob Packwood.”
“Oh, good. No, really. What’s in today’s paper?”
“It’s about the Finnish National Wife Carrying Championships.”
“Excuse me?”
“It says right here. The goal is to carry a wife, preferably someone else’s, over a 780-foot obstacle course involving water, sand, grass, asphalt, and two fences. The fastest man wins the woman’s weight in lemonade.”
“That makes sense. The winner will probably be carrying an exceptionally small wife. Therefore, the officials will have to give out less lemonade.”

The two earth females engage in more of the same for approximately thirty earth minutes. The subject returns to her studying ritual. She is now attempting to perform a rudimentary mathematical procedure given the earth-name “implicit differentiation.” The subject is experiencing guarded success. An earth male, aged thirteen earth years and with a genetic makeup similar to the subject’s, softly opens the subject’s door. He flips her lightswitch to its “off” position. He remarks “It’s night. And it’s dark at night.” The earth male experiences a bout of what sensors term “hysterical laughter.”

The earth male retreats; the earth female sighs. She turns the light back on, closes her calculus book. and turns her attention to an oddly-shaped, rigid container. inside the container is a similarly-shaped, flat wooden box. It is equipped with several metal strings as well as what appears to be a long handle. Sensors identify this object as a “viola,” a musical instrument closely related to the violin, which was notably prominent in the earth movie Amadeus. The subject places the viola between her chin and shoulder and draws a lock of horsehair, stretched taut over a long stick, over its strings, causing the instrument to produce sound. Sensors identify this sound as “music,” although no assertion is made as to whether or not Luck is a lady.

The earth female replaces the viola in its container. brushes her teeth, and turns off the light, perhaps in imitation of the earth male. She climbs into bed and covers herself with several large, heavy pieces of fabric. She lapses into a state of unconsciousness typical of earth creatures. Sensors indicate a decreased heart rate. slowed breathing, and a tendency to keep the eyeballs covered. The subject remains motionless. Empirical evidence suggests that she will return to a conscious. ambulatory state within the next eight hours.

Spelling Word of the Day: measuring the weather

January 12, 2010

Every day of 2010, I’ll be posting a spelling word here for those who would like some spelling bee practice. Photo at right is from the Williamsburg Spelling Bee, as photographed by Eric Walton.

Start the audio file to hear the word, definition, and etymology. Once you’ve spelled the word for yourself, click “Read More” to see the answer.

Read more

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