Things I Find in My Parents’ Dining Room: The Essay That Got Me Into Dartmouth

The Question:

Unbeknownst to you, an extraterrestrial life form has been observing you for the past twenty-four hours. He will use the information he has collected for his doctoral dissertation, entitled “A Study in Behavioral Science: The Human Dartmouth Applicant.” The life form has several pages of notes regarding your behavior and activities during this period; translate an excerpt from these notes into English and record it here.

The Answer:

Universal Time 3 1 : 234
Galactic Date 7819-420
Subject: human female Dartmouth applicant, aged seventeen earth years

The earth female is standing at the kitchen sink. She washes her hands meticulously; her arms, up to the elbows, are laden with soapsuds. A turn of the faucet increases the surge of water, and she rinses the disintegrating soapsuds from her skin.

Following this cleansing ritual, the earth female dries her hands on a filthy dishrag. She turns to leave, realizes what she has done, and resigns herself to another handwashing. Sensors indicate that the subject’s antibacterial efforts are successful.

The earth female eats an apple and retreats to the upper portion of her family’s dwelling. She opens a small, flat case, removes a “compact disc,” and inserts it into a machine apparently designed for this purpose. Peculiar sounds emanate from this apparatus: sensors identify the voice as that of Frank Sinatra, a musical performer of the twentieth earth century, also known as “Old Blue Eyes.” Sinatra proclaims “Luck be a lady tonight….” The significance of this is unknown.

The subject sits at her desk and opens a large, unwieldy book entitled A History of Civilization. She comes across the term “Thermidorean reaction,” appears perplexed. and refers to the book’s index. The earth female’s studying behavior is interrupted by a shrill peal that occurs at short, evenly spaced intervals. Sensors indicate that the source is a primitive communications device known as a “telephone.”

Having lifted the telephone from its cradle, the subject offers a traditional earth greeting; the voice of another human female is transmitted through the device. The following exchange takes place:

“Hi. Have you read the newspaper today?”
“No. not yet. I have tests in four A.P. classes tomorrow and a debate tournament this weekend. Why, did someone shoot the President?”
“No. but someone shot Bob Packwood.”
“Oh, good. No, really. What’s in today’s paper?”
“It’s about the Finnish National Wife Carrying Championships.”
“Excuse me?”
“It says right here. The goal is to carry a wife, preferably someone else’s, over a 780-foot obstacle course involving water, sand, grass, asphalt, and two fences. The fastest man wins the woman’s weight in lemonade.”
“That makes sense. The winner will probably be carrying an exceptionally small wife. Therefore, the officials will have to give out less lemonade.”

The two earth females engage in more of the same for approximately thirty earth minutes. The subject returns to her studying ritual. She is now attempting to perform a rudimentary mathematical procedure given the earth-name “implicit differentiation.” The subject is experiencing guarded success. An earth male, aged thirteen earth years and with a genetic makeup similar to the subject’s, softly opens the subject’s door. He flips her lightswitch to its “off” position. He remarks “It’s night. And it’s dark at night.” The earth male experiences a bout of what sensors term “hysterical laughter.”

The earth male retreats; the earth female sighs. She turns the light back on, closes her calculus book. and turns her attention to an oddly-shaped, rigid container. inside the container is a similarly-shaped, flat wooden box. It is equipped with several metal strings as well as what appears to be a long handle. Sensors identify this object as a “viola,” a musical instrument closely related to the violin, which was notably prominent in the earth movie Amadeus. The subject places the viola between her chin and shoulder and draws a lock of horsehair, stretched taut over a long stick, over its strings, causing the instrument to produce sound. Sensors identify this sound as “music,” although no assertion is made as to whether or not Luck is a lady.