New on TheGloss: How to Make an Extra $100 a Month

September 2, 2010

Including the story of the time that I wrote a reviews of lifelike replica disembodied ladyparts.

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India: The Birds and the Bees

August 31, 2010

Sometimes a male (?) caterpillar and a female (?) caterpillar love each other very much, and also are exhibitionists and like to be watched by a worm.

Photo taken in Goa, India.

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Photo: Williamsburg Spelling Bee Kickoff, August 16th

August 30, 2010

IMG_2320

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New on TheGloss: Productivity Tips for People With Short Attention Spans

August 30, 2010

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India: The Hare Krishna Temple

August 25, 2010


A picture from the back of the autorickshaw I took around Bangalore. An autorickshaw is a bit like a three-wheeled golf cart. Or a golf cart body mounted on a motorcycle.

I went to the Hare Krishna temple — you file through a long line separated from other lines with metal dividers, very much like the system of lines used by amusement parks to shuffle people onto a roller coaster, although this one was much faster-moving. In the line, a bunch of unaccompanied little girls stared right at me and started giggling. I said “hi,” and some of the little girls seemed excited to have some further interaction (they made a point of keeping up with me for awhile), although I did hear one little girl behind me say “Hiiii” in what must have been her idea of an American accent — kind of a cowboy drawl.

You check your shoes (for 1 rupee — about 2 cents) before going into the temple. They give you a crazy old fraying bag to put them in, and then hang the bag on a giant hook that just stabs right through the fabric (probably why all the bags are fraying). You have to check your purse or backpack separately. That was free, and there was a security woman sitting at a little table with a log book. She took my name and asked if there was a camera inside. Then she asked where I was from, just for her own curiosity, it seemed. I said “New York,” and a man standing next to her misheard it as “Iraq,” which he took with some surprise. The woman corrected him with a smile: “New York! Not Iraq.”

I don’t know how most Hindu temples work, but at this one, you file through the entire thing single file, with the metal dividers, like a roller coaster line. We filed up the steps leading to the temple, and then we filed in and out of a small room containing a recessed statue of a god. The statue was behind glass, and surrounded with lots of other … decorative implements. It was extremely baroque. By which I mean everything was gold, including the god himself, and the frame around him, and a whole lot of other stuff. The line did a sort of U-turn, so when your place in line was right in front of the god, you stopped and prayed, and then continued shuffling through the line. The people behind me were glad that I just looked and nodded politely (I think) and continued on my way — kind of the same feeling you have when you’re in a long line at Starbucks and the person in front of you gives up and leaves, and you’re like, well, this line just got a little bit shorter.

Then the exact same thing happened again — another golden god-cupola.

And then we were in the main temple, which was a much larger version of the same thing, but with a large open space in the middle for people who wanted to sit on the floor and pray. So you filed single-file to the very front of the room, kind of blocking the view of the people on the floor. At the front was an enormous ornate gold … cabinet-like thing that held three different exhibits, each of which held a god or gods (Krishna in the middle). Some people got down on the floor and prayed (very quickly) even though we were shuffling through in single-file.

Once you got past the gods, the metal line-dividers finally ended, and you could join the people on the floor or shuffle out through various gift shops and sweet shops.

One online review of the temple, presumably from a Hindu or at least someone who has been to many temples, said that this part was too commercial. I see how a person would think that. You could buy all kinds of Krishna-gear and cakes. There is a Little Krishna DVD series for children, featuring a tiny, adorable blue Krishna. I’m pretty sure one of the posters for this was either making a winking reference to, or else just ripping off, the iconography of Avatar (you know … blue and all).

At the end of all the things to buy (really, the amount of real estate given to the world’s-fair portion was at least equal to that given to the religious part), a man with a giant vat of food gave everyone some yellow dal (with rice cooked in) in a tiny bowl made of a leaf. I watched other people for the protocol: you could squeeze the food into your mouth from the bowl, or use your fingers.

I retrieved my shoes, made use of a radically different bathroom system, and left thinking, wow, if all Hindu temples are like this, then this is the sort of religion you really wouldn’t bother becoming an atheist from. You’re in, you’re out, it’s like a fun day at the park. Who would object to that? (There was a posted calendar of lectures and festivals and things. But I don’t think that you’re supposed to show up once a week and sit on a hard-backed bench for more than an hour while someone tells you you’re living your life wrong and suffering from evil inner thoughts, besides).

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India: Water-Water, Sari Modesty, and Not Urinating Here

August 23, 2010

If you want to order two waters, what you want is “water-water.”

As all visitors to India note with some surprise, the “bobblehead” gesture means “I get it.” It does not mean “so-so” or “maybe” which is what an American might assume from someone moving his head in a figure-eight pattern. (Although one published source says the head-bobble can mean “I don’t care!”)

One of the most striking features of India is the incredible underutilization of human capital — everywhere, security guards who do nothing but sit all day, guarding something that is not exactly under siege, such as a high school or a clothing store. Or, a coconut cart manned by three men where one would be more than enough. An empty coffee shop with two people behind the counter plus a waiter — if you want takeaway, the waiter will get your order and repeat it to the guy behind the counter. It’s nice to have wait service sometimes, but the (apparently) incredibly cheap cost of labor can’t be fun for those working.

In India, showing your shoulders is considered somewhat provocative. However, everyone’s grandmother is wearing a sari top that exposes rolls of back fat. The Air India flight attendants wear sari-like uniforms that allow anyone sitting down (at stomach-height) to see their stomachs. At a restaurant, I saw a white woman with old-school mom hair wearing a gorgeous sari (it looked weird on her, but she was very tanned, so it at least looked like she’d been here awhile and not like she’d arrived yesterday and decided to wear a sari). Every time she got up, she had to readjust all her fabric to cover her wobbly stomach. Goes to show that our ideas of modesty are all a bit arbitrary.

There are virtually no ATMs. They are very, very hard to find — only inside a bank location, never freestanding. People seem to pay for a lot of things with their mobile accounts — a billboard suggests that, “If you love just one thing” (image: handsome man holding a baby in a way that seems to really be straining his bulging biceps), you can subscribe to Youtube, Facebook, or Twitter alone for 10 rupees/month. I can’t seem to buy WiFi at an internet cafe without a working mobile — I’m at a cafe now and paid for wireless with my credit card, but then they send the password to your mobile. The coffeeshop waiter gave me his mobile number, so I’m writing this while waiting for him to receive a text message with the password I paid for. It’s been awhile. I’ve got a paneer sandwich and a pot of chai to work on while I compose this list.

A wall that says “Do not urinate” on it every ten feet is kind of worse than a wall that people urinate on. At least a wall that people urinate on is nice after every rainfall. I mean, would you want to own a bucket that said “Do not shit in this bucket,” even if it were the cleanest bucket in town?

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India: Traffic in Bangalore

August 23, 2010

When you take a taxi, how many times does the driver typically honk his horn? In my NYC cab experience, often not at all — so, on average, about 0.5 times per trip. In Bangalore, any cab ride will involve a horn being honked at least 30 times. People honk their horns basically just anytime they are physically close enough to a car to do so. If you are walking on the sidewalk in a quiet residential neighborhood and a single car begins to make its way up the street towards you at a reasonable speed, it will honk at you anyway, just in case you are Helen fucking Keller.

At no point will you get to walk on more than 20 feet of continuous sidewalk without stepping out into the street because of giant slabs of broken concrete, huge piles of dirt and debris, or simple discontinuance of the sidewalk. And don’t get me wrong: there are pedestrians absolutely everywhere. It’s not like LA, which has minimal sidewalks because hardly anyone walks. Everyone is walking, often barefoot, and in the street. This only increases the honking.

There are no crosswalks in Bangalore. I mean, there are places where white lines are painted on the street, but there are no streetlights accompanying these crosswalks, nor do cars stop to let anyone cross. So you have to take your chance to run across the street whenever an opening appears. There is a good chance you will get hit by a motorcycle.

Plenty of women ride motorcycles, and not in a tough-biker-chick way at all. I saw a family of four on a single motorcycle — dad driving, four-year-old in front of him, mom behind, holding husband in one arm and baby in the other. Everyone’s grandmother calmly rides (sidesaddle!) on the back of a motor scooter as death-defying driving feats occur all around her.

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New on TheGloss: Oprah’s fat is made of solid gold

August 21, 2010

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Video: Math Problems, Episode 5

August 18, 2010

My fellow comedian and former Chelsea Mind Games Math Bee co-host Soce, the Elemental Wizard has been producing math videos, complete with theme song (in the outro).

All of the videos have two requirements: crazy dancing, and some form of awkward touching (watch for it).

This was filmed at my place on a freezing cold day last winter.

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New on TheGloss: How to Quit Your Job (Hint: No Inflatable Slides)

August 13, 2010

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Photos from the Ladybits Comedy Kickoff

August 13, 2010

You know I’m serious when the jacket comes off.

Go here for the full photo post.

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Video: “What Not to Wear”

August 8, 2010

It has occurred to me that this is on the internet:


Jennifer Dziura on "What to wear"… @ Yahoo! Video

This was never really meant for public consumption; it was my audition for the Brain Trust pilot I did for the SciFi Channel.

But since it’s on the internet, you might enjoy using philosophy (Bentham!) and math (Venn Diagrams! and weighted averages!) to become a better dresser!

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New on TheGloss: Are Girls Really Bad at Maps?

August 5, 2010

I was prompted to write this column when I read yesterday’s NYT article about controversy over the “gifted” test for admission to Hunter College High School. (Unlike most standardized tests, this test is actually written by the school’s teachers). In a nutshell: a Black graduation speaker gave a speech saying that the test was unfair and reflected class and wealth differences. True. The director of the school said that the test isn’t a good indicator of giftedness, but is a good indicator of whether a student will be successful at Hunter. Also true. A graduate who was co-president of the Asian Cultural Society said that many of her friends were insulted by the speech, because they felt that their admission was due to “individual achievement.” Also true.

I love an argument that’s not really that much of an argument. It seems to be that the problem is that Hunter calls itself a “gifted” high school. Note that the co-president of the Asian Cultural Society referred to “individual achievement,” not some magical inherent ability. Rewarding people for high performance is one thing; claiming that rewarding people for high performance is the same as recognizing their innate, genetically determined traits will rightfully offend people.

Maybe we should just offer advanced educations for those performing at an advanced level, and stop talking about what’s in people’s genes, destiny, or soul.

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Some New Things At Which to Look

August 4, 2010

Simon Smithson, Associate Arts and Culture editor of The Nervous Breakdown, attended a small cocktail party at my apartment on day 18 or 19 of his tour of the U.S. (he’s Australian):

standing on the balcony of my friend Jen’s place, looking out over Wall Street. The air is cool up here, and it’s the viewpoint of a superhero. Inside, people are talking about evolution, and libertarianism, and getting their website blocked in Qatar, and I like being here, and meeting these new people. These new people are New Yorkers, man. They know about the news and the country and they make good jokes and if I lived here, I would want to get coffee with them in the morning and walk down the street talking about Tina Fey and the Hudson River and the Yankees.

You know, a hundred articles have been written about the spelling bee, but this is the first mention in the press of my apartment, and for some reason that makes me really happy.

On Ladybits Comedy, a first look at one of the comics appearing in our August 11 Kickoff and Press Preview: Appearing on Wednesday: Erin Jackson.

Check out her video clip — do you believe that children are the future? Maybe some of them shouldn’t make it.

And on the Vocabulary Blog:

And finally, my best friend Molly Crabapple has launched a new website for the 100+ branches of Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School (possibly NSFW), the international movement she founded in 2005.

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New Post on Ladybits: The Grammar of Comedy

July 29, 2010

A new post on Ladybits — does violating the rules of grammatical parallelism augment the funny?

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