Jamie-Lynn's pregnancy has eclipsed Ashley Tisdale's new nose

Britney Spears' little sister Jamie Lynn is pregnant. Okay, fine. But her employer, Nickelodeon, issued this statement:

"We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

"Take responsibility"? I think that sounds a lot like saying she needs to be punished for having sex, and that women who have abortions are "irresponsible."

When did Nickelodeon turn paternalistically weird?

Update: I just discovered that Feministing wrote basically the exact same post twelve hours before I did. There ought to be some gaydar-type word for picking up on this shit. Misogyny-dar sounds terrible. If Nickelodeon is being a big corporate douchebag, can I call it douchedar?

great gams!

Celebrity magazines apparently feel that, in a single-page feature about stars and their great legs, it would be inappropriate to use the word "legs" more than, say, twice.

Hence:

• stems
  
• gams
  
• sticks

Really? Mary-Kate is "displaying her sticks"? Is she playing drums?

It is not necessary to thesaurize your prose to keep from ever repeating a noun. For instance, if the New York Times runs an article about poverty, the writer might use the word "poverty" thirty or forty times. It's not a big deal. It is fine to mention the topic of an article repeatedly throughout the article.

If I write a blog post, on my comedy blog, about comedy, I might refer to "comedy" at really any time I am talking about, well, comedy. I do not feel the need to mix it up with references to "comicalness, "buffoonery," "jesting," "drollery," "schtick," or "cracking wise."

Dear celebrity magazines -- Dita Von Teese has "gams." Everyone else has legs. Thank you.

my celebrity matches

I have been amusing myself a great deal with myheritage.com, a website on which one can upload a photo of oneself and see what celebrities one resembles.

I shall now take you on a photo tour of my results.

The first photo of myself that I uploaded yielded matches to a great number of Asian women, which I found curious. Hasn't anyone seen my seriously sharp and pointy nose?


I tried another photo, and again, more Asian women...



...but also Shannen Doherty, who is the celebrity I've most often been said to look like, even though in this photo of her, the weird off-centeredness of her features is really obvious (i.e., bitch is busted):


...and, more disturbingly, Joan Crawford! (Side note: Once, as a teenager, I sarcastically called my mother "mommy dearest" and couldn't understand why she got so mad. I had never heard of the movie).


So I tried another photo, and was told I look like Drew Barrymore...


...when she was five! And also, mysteriously...


Missy Elliott!

Kathy Bates!

And ... Alfred Hitchcock? And here I was thinking I was good for another ten years, then I might spring for, say, microdermabrasion or some lip collagen. But, if this is it, I give up.

So, I tried again with one more photo, and got some more promising results:


My legs are securely crossed in this photo, I assure you.


I think Josephine Baker and I share a love of eye makeup more than anything, but okay.


And finally -- this, I think, is rather inspired. Bebe Neuwirth! Nice.

Update: Jenisfamous comes clean

n'est pas jolie

I'm not always against tattoos. Some of the SuicideGirls have quite lovely, clever, and well-placed ones. I often like brightly-colored, animation-inspired tattoos over traditional, Gothic ones. One SuicideGirl even has stocking seams -- with little bows at the top -- tattooed up the back of her legs! And I also think it's clever when people cover up scars or distract from flaws with tattoos.


That being said, Angelina Jolie's body is kind of a national treasure. I do think she is probably the most beautiful woman alive. I also think that defacing a national treasure with these tattoos should be punished via whatever penalties would apply for, say, painting (carving?) Hitler moustaches on the Presidents of Mt. Rushmore.

Alright, enough of that. Who wants to do a line off that ass?

future heartbreaker

Maddox Jolie-Pitt is already sticking his tongue out at the press! And, my god, I know he's not genetically related, but "Jolie-Pitt"? That's so money. I was trying to make a joke about this name being so oversexed that it's like a satire of sexiness, but I couldn't think of anyone sexier to mention in the joke. Banderas-Johannsen? A pale second place. Shit, a lot of Cambodians just want a visa so they can come here and work for minimum wage. Getting plucked out of an orphanage by Angelina Jolie, adopted by Brad Pitt, and gifted with a mohawk that actually works even though you're a toddler? This is as close as we have to a modern-day Cinderella story. In fifteen years, this kid will have a band, and the hotness of Maddox's frontman act will cause the universe to fold in on itself, ending all time and space in a moist, pulsating undulation of hotness.

"romantically linked"

What is it with the phrase "romantically linked"?

Celebrities get to be "romantically linked" with other celebrities, but you never say that about regular people. "Oh, Debbie, she's been romantically linked with Joe from accounting."

When you say "So-and-so has been romantically linked with Heath Ledger, Richard Gere, Keanu Reeves, and Warren Beatty," it all sounds swanky and glamorous. If you say "She has had sex with Heath Ledger, Richard Gere, Keanu Reeves, and Warren Beatty," it just sounds slutty. But it's not like we really have any indication that these people were "romantically" linked rather than merely, you know, just linked. Sometimes linking is just linking.

Apparently, college students "hook up." If you make it in Hollywood, you get promoted to a presumption of romance.

there are logic classes that cover the difference between deductive reasoning and inductive reasoning

Star magazine has reported that Britney Spears may be having twins, based on evidence that 1) she is fat, and 2) she's been shopping in both the girls' and boys' departments.

First of all, this is the very same magazine that routinely publishes photos of Britney eating Doritos and guzzling Red Bull. Women get fat when they do that. Women get fat even when they don't. Pregnant celebrities ("baby bump," how cute) aren't exactly the model of what the human body was meant to do.

Second of all, if you were fantastically wealthy, you could buy as many baby clothes as you want and then get rid of all the ones that don't properly coordinate with your baby's gender.

class in America? whatever are you talking about?

I rather enjoy the New York Observer. If you're going to be economically elitist (see previous comments re: the Times), at least offer up a collegiate-level writing style to match. An article in the Observer offers some highly thoughtful commentary on a topic that rarely begets much rigor of thought: Angelina Jolie's androgynous, man-eating appeal:

Despite her turn as gun-wielding British genius wonder woman Lara Croft...Ms. Jolie doesn’t exactly get the feminist stamp of approval. She isn’t uplifting in a Gloria Steinem sort of way.

But in an Ayn Rand kind of way, although better-willed, she constitutes complete freedom, both kindly and voracious. She’s a little libertarian and an altruist sex bomb, a man-eater and a boy-raiser. No one thinks Ms. Jolie would have their back. She’s a lone vessel.

Semi-related note: an article in the Times recently referred to Mayor Bloomberg's 22 year old daughter Georgina as "a competitive horse jumper." Oh, how the freakishly wealthy live. Competitive horse jumping is not a job, and twenty-two is really about time to have a job.

At least she's not appearing in "House of Wax."