Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Jen who was the kickboxing champion of her kingdom. Thus she became princess. She bested all the other Amazons of Jen-land, and became raised above them as supreme and benevolent dictator, and scantily clad serving girls served her vegetarian cooking and helped her practice her kickboxing.That is, until the horrible day that all of Jen-land remembers in infamy. Seeing Princess Jen's amazing boxing skill, her scantily clad serving girls, and kick ass haircut, the evil and pathetic wizard, Jean Claude Van Damme, became insanely jealous. Still, he knew he could not beat Jen in any honest way, as she could kick his effeminate ass from here to Kalamazoo.
So, he lamented (in a dorky Dutch accent) to his trusted and equally lame sidekick, Squelch the Banana Slug, "Vhat vill I do, Sqvelch? She is sooo much more handsome than me, and all the girls love her and no longer follow their stoopid boyfriends to see my films. Instead they go to Jenland to serve her tofu vhile vearing next to nothing!"
Squelch replied, "Jean Claude, you must imprison her within the most hideous Prism of Patriarchy!"
"Oh, ho!" replied the pusillanimous Jean Claude, "for a slime-based life form, yoo are pritty sneaky!"
And so the evil wizard Jean Claude Van Damme laid his nefarious plan.
The next day, the beautiful Princess Jen went outside her palace to practice kickboxing with her most loyal troop of half-clad Valkyrie. Upon reaching the practice ground, she noticed a shiny jewelry-like bauble lying on it. "Ew," quoth the beautiful Princess Jen. "A useless material good! My Spartan lifestyle cannot stand for this!" And so she picked it up, prepared to hurl it with her mighty arm into the stratosphere.
But, as she touched it--Kaboom!--a great puff of smoke and fire appeared, and when it had drifted off, Jen was helplessly imprisoned within the Prism of Patriarchy.
"Ha ha!" cackled Jean Claude Van Damme," Now all the pretty girls will be my girlfriends and ve vill vatch my moovies!" But it was not so. Jen's loyal Amazons were distraught to see their leader so beaten down by the Man. They tried all their wits upon the horrible contraption. They kickboxed it. They read it Adrienne Rich poems. They read it Dworkin's feminist theory. They played Bikini Kill records at it while plastering it in pictures of the Girlfriend of the Month from past issues of Girlfriends. But nothing happened, and the kingdom wept.
One day, many days after the kingdom had settled into a dreary routine of constant mourning for their leader, Princess Charming, most kick ass of all knight-errants, rode into the kingdom on her war horse, Lesbia the Fiery. Princess Charming, clad in full battle armor, had heard of the marvelous beauty, wit, and kick boxing skill of the Princess Jen, and of her wonderful country of Jenland, filled with scantily clad vegetarian serving wenches. But, Princess Charming found this beautiful land deep in sadness.
"What has happened here?" asked she.
"Oh, Beautiful Princess Charming, our kind and incredibly sexy leader Princess Jen has been imprisoned in the Prism of Patriarchy!" wailed the serving girls.
"By whom?" asked Princess Charming.
"We cannot be sure," said the girls, "but we suspect the horrible wizard who lives in the cave at the end of the kingdom, Jean Claude Van Damme. He is a horrible blight of stupid patriarchal heterosexual male-dominated society living right in our own backyards!"
"Not for long," cried Princess Charming, pulling down her battle visor and galloping away on Lesbia the Fiery.
The battle between Jean Claude Van Damme was neither long nor fierce, because Jean Claude gave up immediately upon sight of Princess Charming's buff biceps and incredibly toned quads. She picked up the ne'er-do-well, and carried him off to the palace. There, Jean Claude performed the magical rites of self-emasculation necessary to free the Princess Jen. He was pretty reluctant at first, but a few love taps from Lesbia the Fiery are very convincing things.
Princess Jen was free, and she and Princess Charming stood together, and each realized they had found their soulmate! The kingdom rejoiced, and the next day came out of mourning to enjoy a tasteful woodland commitment ceremony between the two Princesses. Even Jean Claude Van Damme appeared, and was later employed, along with Squelch, as the castle fool. And they all lived happily ever after.