JenisFamous.Com, The Blog of Grammatically Obsessed Comedian Jennifer Dziura

GO TO THE NEW BLOG. IT IS BETTER THAN THE OLD BLOG.

2008-06-16T00:06:00.002-04:00

You, dear reader, are here because you bookmarked this page or otherwise went directly to my blog while bypassing the front page of Jenisfamous. This, it turns out, is folly, as I have a shiny new blog where all things shall be posted henceforth:

GO TO THE NEW BLOG NOW

If you are using an RSS reader, you are totally going to need to update that too. While I could answer many questions for you about grammar and eyeliner, sadly, I cannot help you with your RSS reader.

The internet can be a lonely void, sorely lacking in erudite companionship and irreverent women making fun of poor grammar in subway adverting. This loneliness may be avoided for all time by visiting the new, alternate, superior, highly optimized, pain-and-loneliness-reducing panacea of the new blog.

Thank you.

Call to Action! The new Jenisfamous.com launches on Monday

2008-06-13T18:46:00.002-04:00

Dear Readers,

The new Jenisfamous.com launches on Monday!

This has been a long project, involving three different web designers/companies, much mucking around trying to import four years' worth of Blogger posts into Wordpress (don't email me for advice about this -- I paid an expert to execute this tortuous task), and much thinking about what belongs on a new Jenisfamous.com. No Google ads. No section for "Vaudeville," as I haven't had a vaudeville show since 2006. Much more attention to nerdy bar games, my raison d'etre sur l'internet (pardon my made-up French). Fewer standup videos. More grammar, sarcasm, and exposés of my mother's panda bear collection.

A few things you, dear erudite reader of consummate taste, may care about or be able to help with:

My new site has a "Best Of" page, which seemed like a good idea for new visitors to the site. But it doesn't have much on it yet. I would really appreciate it if you would email me or post in the comments whatever you think belongs on my Best Of page (specific blog posts, videos, written pieces, recordings, etc.) Thanks so much!
For an arcane reason I don't entirely understand, comments before March 2008 have been imported to the new blog, but comments since March 2008 haven't. So any comments you've made in the last four months will be lost. This makes me sad, because your comments often make me laugh and inform me of useful facts about the world. So feel free to comment like the dickens all over the new site, beginning Monday.
A big priority right now is for me to expand my one-woman show, "What Philosophy Majors Do After College." If you are a college student, why not email your student activities office a link to PhilosophyShow.com? I am also looking for a theater venue to perform this show in New York -- personal recommendations from other performers, or inquiries from theater owners/bookers, are welcome.
I will try to make you laugh more, but in that "Oh, I'm so glad there's something out there that's saying what this is saying" way rather than that "Ha ha ha that comedian said dick and nougat in the same sentence pass me the hot wings I love comedy" kind of way.

Sincerely,
Jen

p.s. I am sure my new website will still be banned by the US military, the nation of Qatar, and the Big Boy restaurant chain.

pregnant dudes, so yesterday

2008-06-13T13:34:00.002-04:00

My mom sent me this link about the pregnant male sea dragon with the subject line "fair division of labor" (that is, the female lays the eggs, and the male carries them on his tail, as pictured below.

I think it would be jumping the gun to call this a trend

"The Impotence of Proofreading"

2008-06-12T10:10:00.002-04:00

I think I have to start going on tour with this guy...

Quote of the Day Plus Word of the Day

2008-06-10T10:26:00.004-04:00

Brilliant words from my BFF, who, like me, despises meetings, bureaucracy, and corporate culture:

"'Addressing concerns' is the most passive-aggressive way ever to say you don't like someone's idea."

Also testament to Molly's brilliance: yesterday I walked into a Starbucks and saw a guy drawing, and thought "Heh heh, that guy's sketchy." And then I remembered, "Oh, Molly made that joke, like, four years ago." (See worldwide phenomenon Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School).

Many people have tried to copy her burlesque-themed drawing group over the years, and sometimes when I spot a new one I get kind of mad on her behalf, but ... I can't actually remember any of her competitors' names. The lesson? Some say location, location, location, but never underestimate the power of a euonym.*

*A euonym ("eu" meaning "good," as in "euthanasia" and "euphonium" and "nym" meaning "name" as in "homonym" and "acronym") is a "name particularly well-suited to the person, place, or thing being named." It was also the winning word in the 1997 National Spelling Bee. Incidentally, when I searched for that video that I just posted a link to, I discovered that I am already the third-ranking Google hit for "euonym," because of this post, which I wrote after a grown-up Rebecca Sealfon, 1997 National Spelling Bee winner, attended my spelling bee and reviewed it in The Brooklynite. I was really nerdily pleased just now to have had an organic use for the word euonym in talking about Dr. Sketchy's, but now I fear I've ruined that by making the footnote longer than the original post. This is one nerdy effing** blog.

**Should "effing" have some kind of apostrophe, do you think? This is assuming I'm keeping the terminal g, as gravitas demands.

questions from the math bee!

2008-06-06T15:07:00.004-04:00

Hosts Abbi and Jen with winner Keith
Enjoy these questions from Wednesday's math bee!

You are a sex slave, and your master has chained you to the corner of a house on a 10 ft chain. Assuming the corner of the house makes a 90 degree angle and is more than 10 ft long on all sides, what is the area of the space to which you are confined?

You have three kinds of human teeth—front teeth, bicuspids, and molars. You are making a necklace in the pattern front, bi, molar, molar. What is the 26th tooth in the pattern?

You are a serial killer who only kills on prime-numbered days of the month. If you are caught on July 22nd, how many people will you have killed that month?

You breathe one cubic foot of air per minute, and are imprisoned in a cube with a side of 5 ft long. How long, in hours and minutes, do you have to live?

If you walk 12 blocks to a booty call at 2 blocks/min and do the walk of shame back home at 1 block/min, what is your avg walking speed for the entire trip? (The answer is not, of course, 1.5!)

If laser hair removal depilates 40% of your bikini area the first visit, 40% of what’s left the second visit, and so on, what percent of your bikini area will not yet be hairless after the third visit?

If you saw SATC in a theater with 400 other people, 80% of whom squealed obnoxiously an average of every 10 minutes, and an hour into the movie you’re ready to kill someone, how many squeals have you heard?

You are a player who intends to schedule one date every day of the week, plus an extra on Saturday. If you have already made plans for Sunday-Thursday, and have 10 people on a waiting list to go out with you, how many social schedules could you arrange this week?

You tip 15% if the service is okay, and 20% of the service is okay and the waiter is hot. If you ate a $50 meal and had okay service and a hot waiter, and ate a $100 meal and had merely okay service, how much did you tip for both?

If Adam and Eve have three male and three female children who marry in male/female pairs, and each of these pairs has three female and three male children, how many people are in this incestuous family?

Next Wednesday: Team Trivia.

I (heart) New York

2008-06-06T13:31:00.004-04:00

I was just walking down the street in Midtown eating a sandwich, when an old man walking in the opposite direction called me a "pig." After previous street-harassment experiences in Midtown (summary: Midtown harassment is less about wanting to have sex with you and more about wanting to be mean to strangers), I didn't want to let it stand, even if this was, presumably, just a guy who hates people who eat on the street, rather than a raging misogynist. So I turned around, caught up to him, and confronted him about it, at which point he denied ever having said it.

Then I got home and a cockroach crawled on my cellphone.

Previous posts on street harassment here, here, and here.

"Freemale"?

2008-06-04T01:19:00.002-04:00

Boy, do I hate silly, unnecessary neologisms about gender-related social trends. Freemale? It sounds like some kind of gay dating site, or an overly earnest moniker for out-and-proud hermaphrodites. Not that there's anything wrong with either. But seriously.

Tonight: The Math Bee Asks You For the Probability of Your Mom

2008-06-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

Really?

2008-06-03T00:46:00.001-04:00

I took this photo in Chelsea, around 8th and 21st.

I certainly hope this ad doesn't mislead any naive adoptive children.

"Like" versus "such as"

2008-06-01T11:24:00.001-04:00

This photo I took of an advertisement on a building at 35th and 8th demonstrates a common grammatical error.

What the ad should have said, of course, is, "Works in over 200 countries, such as Japan."

The way the ad is phrased now, it seems as though either Japan works in 200 countries, or else AT&T service works in over 200 countries -- not including Japan itself -- each of which is similar to Japan. Of course, there aren't even 200 countries on Earth that could be said in any meaningful way to be "like Japan."

In summary, "like" means "similar to," and "such as" introduces examples.

Meg and Jen want you to win Boozes of the World

2008-05-30T18:07:00.003-04:00

My co-host Meg and me at Wednesday's Geography Bee. As always, more extensive coverage at ChelseaMindGames.com.

Video from Pete's Candy Store, May 19th

2008-05-30T17:33:00.002-04:00

Featuring Jen Dziura coming out against leggings, Becky Yamamoto appearing as the character "Fuktard," and sets from Alex Grubard, Mark Normand, and Giulia Rozzi.

on Manhattan Avenue

2008-05-30T00:43:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Mikey for the pic!

I have a small role in a short film

2008-05-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

Here are some lovely screenshots from "Cesar Salad":

None of my actual lines made it into the final product. But I do look nice as "Brunette Ziegfeld Girl." Go here to watch.

Today's Poll

2008-05-27T14:08:00.002-04:00

A few astute readers noticed that my last poll was missing some important options. This has been corrected.

what professional spelling bee hosts wear to work

2008-05-27T00:20:00.002-04:00

Yes, those are bee-striped legwarmers. Worn with a velvet cocktail dress and Steve Madden peep-toe pumps.

Here is the provenance of the bee-striped legwarmers.

I'm second from the right oh and also I'm a girl

2008-05-26T22:25:00.004-04:00

Comedian Cody Hess did my show a few weeks ago, so when he asked if I would debate in his "Destroyer Society for Literary Debate and Pre-Game" this past Friday, I said yes. Upon arriving, I was informed that I would need to wear a mustache. Here is a photo of me among this esteemed group. We debated "Dogs versus Cats."

Making the world "safe" for children makes it autocratic, facile, and cultureless for adults

2008-05-24T15:11:00.006-04:00

Ha! The cops in my hometown of Virginia Beach have confiscated Abercrombie and Fitch ads from the mall and charged the store manager with obscenity! (Thanks to Kenny for the link).

Here is a (rather unflattering, but I daresay this fiasco is rather more unflattering for the ass-backwards evangelical mini-theocracy of Virginia Beach that the twin miracles of education and hard work allowed me to escape at the age of seventeen) picture of me in front of one of that very same mall's "no swearing" signs:

Please Take the Jenisfamous Poll

2008-05-23T16:09:00.004-04:00

A new Jenisfamous.com is coming in June! (This current site was made by me in 2004, using my mad web skillz from 1998). And thus, I am taking a poll, asking what you would like to see on the new and improved Jenisfamous.com....

Jen access from work

2008-05-23T12:43:00.003-04:00

Are you reading my blog at home because you work for The Man, and The Man, much like the nation of Qatar, has blocked my site for "objectionable content"?

Here's the secret blog address that will allow you to read my blog from work:

http://209.68.2.45/users/nmhq/jen/blog.html

(You'll have to write this on a post-it and smuggle it in to your day job).

I am all over the effing internet

2008-05-20T22:37:00.001-04:00

I won an honorable mention in a make-up-your-own-racist-stereotype (I picked on the Poles, because "Dziura" is, you know, Polish) blog contest run by someone I used to go out with. You'd think I could've done better, you know?

I just discovered a nice review of my blog in a blog directory. I shall now blush. This review is also a little blushworthy, in a slightly NSFW way.

Several readers have brought to my attention that I am currently appearing in a campaign advertising bagels, and that this campaign has made its way to Bedford Avenue. This is true.

Monday Evening Stand-Up at Pete's: May 5th video

2008-05-20T09:19:00.001-04:00

Starring Sean Donnelly, Cody Hess, Taylor Williamson, Scout Durwood, and Duncan Wilder Johnson.

p.s. - Don't forget the Chelsea Market Vocabulary Tournament tomorrow! Featuring the musical virtuosity of Adira Amram.

Obamarama: lefties on the left

2008-05-19T13:12:00.003-04:00

I just noticed, in this rather poignant photo of Barack Obama autographing his book for an old woman who is holding his other hand, that Obama appears to be left-handed. So I googled, and discovered that Obama and McCain are both left-handed, and that people are making a way bigger deal about Obama's left-handedness than seems needed.

"Lefties For Obama" has informed me that James Garfield, Herbert Hoover, Harry Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and Bill Clinton were all left-handed.

As a high school student too young to vote, I once campaigned for Bill Clinton (by standing on a street corner with the rest of the Cox High School Young Democrats waving signs to all the passing cars), and thought it hilarious when our club president suggested that, as liberals, we all treat the cars to a "left-hand wave."

This Week's Shows: Come One, Come All

2008-05-18T10:20:00.003-04:00

MONDAY

Pete's Monday Evening Stand-Up
Monday, May 19th

Pete's Candy Store, 709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
7:30pm
Free show, free candy

Starring Mark Normand, Lucas Held, Giulia Rozzi, Alex Grubard, and Becky Yamamoto. Hosted by Jennifer Dziura. As appears on Brooklyn Cable Access TV!

WEDNESDAY

Chelsea Mind Games: Vocabulary Tournament
Wednesday, May 21st

Musical Guest Adira Amram 6:30
Vocabulary Tournament (open to first 20 signups) 7:30
Dorothy Von Irony's Hour of Comic Literature and Literary Comedy 9pm

The Chelsea Market, 75 9th Ave bet. 15th/16th
(in the main area, about halfway back - just walk in the front door and keep going til you hit it)

See photos and videos of previous Chelsea Mind Games.

SATURDAY

Our first-ever spelling bee in MANHATTAN!

The New York City Spelling Bee
Saturday, May 24th 8pm

Housing Works Bookstore Cafe, 126 Crosby St in Soho
$10 admission (to compete or to watch)
Free popcorn, cash bar
nycbee.com

If anyone comes to all three shows, I will give you a prize. Seriously, I should make up punch cards, like at the coffee shop. Seriously, anyone who comes to all three shows gets a signed copy of The Idiot's Guide to Jokes. And also gets to meet the small crowd of smart single people who tend to congregate around vocabulary and spelling events.